The Sith and the Smuggler
by GreatOne
Summary: Super silly AU story where a cocky 'bandit' and his sidekick are asked to bring back an illegal beverage for a party. During the trip they pick up a runaway bride, and things get interesting.
1. Chapter 1

Adopted from a 'Smokey and the Bandit' meets SW plot bunny suggestion.

**The Sith and the Smuggler** – AU is going to be an understatement

Prologue

Bespin

Lando Calrissian took another swig of the golden liquid, shutting his eyes in bliss as the substance slowly trickled down his throat, leaving a pleasant tingle radiating throughout his entire body. He let out a long, satisfied sigh. "This is best ale in the galaxy, bar none."

"I don't know about that. Corellian whiskey – ."

The Baron's eyes opened, taking in the confused and suspicious expressions of the man and the Wookiee seated across from him. He cut off his friend with a quick retort, "Gutter water. In comparison to this… this mouthful of pure heaven, Corellian whiskey is gutter water."

"Corellian whiskey ain't gutter water," Han Solo argued, swirling the remains of his drink in the crystal goblet. "This stuff tastes okay, but I can't see why you're so worked up about it."

Lando shook his head in dismay. "You haven't got the refined palate to appreciate such things."

Glaring, Han stood up from his comfortable nerf-hide chair, which was situated across the gleaming desk of his friend. "I didn't come all this way just to have you insult me, Calrissian. Come on, Chewie. We're outta here."

"Sit down, and stop being so hot-headed," Lando ordered lightly. "I need you to do a shipping job for me."

Han refused to sit, and folded his arms across his chest. "What does it pay, and why would you call me?" The smuggler waved his hand toward the large window, where many sleek spacecrafts zipped past. "You must have dozens of employees already."

Giving a wide grin, Lando nodded. "This job is going to take someone brave and daring. Someone that can improvise on a moment's notice. Someone who claims that 'inspiration is his specialty.'"

"Flattery is free. Sounds to me like whatever this is, it's gonna cost you. Big time."

"I'm prepared to pay you one hundred thousand credits."

Han sat down with a shocked thud, and Chewie let loose with a disbelieving roar. "A _hundred_ thousand? What kind of job is this?"

"In one week, I'm throwing a big bash to announce my engagement to the most beautiful woman in the galaxy."

"Lucky girl," Han said sarcastically.

"Yes, she is," the Baron said agreeably. He leaned forward, holding up the amber bottle. "This ale is only made on one planet in the galaxy, and shipping it anywhere besides Coruscant is strictly against Imperial Law." Lando gave a sour face. "Disgusting Imps, anyway. What makes them so special that they have to act like greedy Hutts and keep it all to themselves? I want – no, I fully intend – to serve this wonderful ambrosia to my guests."

"What's the name of the planet, Lando?"

"Nice little system called Ponty-Ack, and the planet is named Tranzam. Resort type of place. Lots of agricultural land."

"So you want me an' Chewie to go there and pick up a case of Tranzam ale and bring it back? That sounds way too easy for one hundred thousand credits. What's the catch?"

Lando rubbed his chin. "Well, it's like this… there are only two spaceports on the entire planet, and both of them have tight security."

"I could land somewhere besides a spaceport," Han said.

"You could try, but that would attract Imps faster than pincers at a picnic. The entire planet is under a blockade."

"All this for some ale?" Han asked in awe.

"Nah. There's a big wedding going on this weekend for Lord Vader's son and some princess. So that's the reason for all the heavy security."

Han rubbed his face. "Why didn't you buy this ale earlier, before the big shindig?"

"Well," Lando hedged a bit. "Serving the ale wasn't exactly my idea."

"Your fiancée?"

"You know how women can be."

"Yup, and that's why I'm never falling in love, or getting married," Han declared. "Never."

"Be that as it may, are you interested in the job?" Lando prodded.

"I can get the Falcon past any blockade there is, but I need a few more details," Han said. "Once I've landed, is someone going to deliver this stuff to my ship?"

Lando cleared his throat. "No, not exactly. You'll have to drive a hover-truck and go pick it up and get it back to the Falcon."

"How far?"

"About two thousand klicks."

Chewie gave another roar, and Han's eyes widened. "Two… thousand?

"That's how far it is from the spaceport to the only distillery that's willing to sell black market ale," Lando said defensively. "It's a twenty time-part trip there, and twenty time-parts back. No big deal."

Han did some fast mental calculations. "That's one-hundred klicks per time-part…in a HOVER-TRUCK? Are you insane?"

"So you're saying you can't do it?" Lando asked, smirking. "I guess not. I'll get a hold of Rendar. I'm sure he can handle the job, and I always suspected he had more spine that you do, anyway."

"Anything Dash can do, I can do better," Han shot back hotly. "Where am I supposed to get this hover-truck?"

Lando quickly shoved a flimsy across the glistening desktop toward Han, looking triumphant. "I've already arranged the hover-truck's rental, and it will be waiting near the spaceport. The directions to the distillery will be in the navigation system."

Han picked up the flimsy and looked at it warily. "This is a long haul, Calrissian. Chewie can drive the hover-truck, but I'll need to run interference for any Imps we run across."

"Explain."

"I'll need to rent… no, make that buy, a really fast hover-craft when we arrive on Tranzam. Then I'll drive ahead and warn Chewie about any Imp problems before he gets there, and distract them with my dazzling feats of daring-do, if necessary."

Lando pulled a credit voucher, wrote an amount on it and tossed it at the Corellian.

Han glanced at the writing, then shook his head. "Faster than that."

Gritting his teeth, Lando added to the amount, and Han finally grinned. "That should do it."

"Yes, it certainly should," Lando agreed dryly. "Oh, and one more thing. If you're not back in one week _exactly,_ you don't get one credit of pay."

"But it'll take two days just to get to the Ponty-Ack system, even in the Falcon."

"No buts," Lando declared firmly. "Two days to get there, a little less than two days to make the pick-up, and then two days back. That gives you a bit more than an entire day to deal with unexpected delays."

"You're so generous to me."

"A hundred thousand credits is plenty generous, but the rule stands - no ale at the party, no payment. Do you still want to go?"

Han stood up, grinning manically. "You'll have your special ale, Lando. And do you know why?" He pointed a thumb at his chest. "Cuz we both know that I'm the best smuggler in the galaxy."

"I knew I could count on you," Lando said, shaking the Corellian's hand.

* * *

One

"There they go," Lando declared with a satisfied smile as he watched the _Falcon_ veer away from Cloud City. "Our ale will be back in no time at all."

"You seem to have a lot of confidence in these smugglers," the woman replied. "That blockade will be pretty tight."

"Han and Chewie are the best," Lando told her. "I have faith in them."

"I'm glad," the lady said. "I wish you'd have as much faith in me… your own fiancée." She snuggled up close to him. "Lando, sweetie, _please_ tell me where I can find my very own supply of Tranzam ale? I mean, what if something should happen to you…in the far off future, of course! You wouldn't want me to never have Tranzam ale again, would you?"

Lando gazed down at the beautiful woman in his arms. "I've told you a thousand times, dear. The old bootlegger on Tranzam trusts me not to give out his name to anyone. Han won't even know the guy's identity until he arrives to pick the stuff up." He gave a meaningful grin. "Besides, you're holding out on me, too, right? And what you're holding out on is _way _more personal and frustrating for me than it is for you not to know some bootlegger's name." He shut his eyes and puckered his lips, making kissy sounds.

The woman gave a hard shove away from Lando. "How many times do I have to tell you? My people of Phishipphosphate believe that a physical relationship starts on the wedding night, and not a moment sooner. Otherwise we cannot have a true, spiritual bonding which will last forever." She put her hands on her narrow hips. "Are you telling me you only want a physical relationship and not a complete bonding? Is that how you see me? You want my body but you're not interested in my mind?"

"No!" Lando said, throwing up his hands in surrender. "We've been through all this. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, Honey-bear. I sure wish you'd be a little more forthcoming about where Phishipphosphate is located, though. I've never heard of it before, and it doesn't appear on any space maps."

"Are you going behind my back and checking up on me?"

"I was only curious, and wanted to know a bit about your history because I love you," Lando protested meekly. "Really!"

"And don't call me Honey-bear. I don't appreciate your making fun of my name."

"Sorry."

"If you must know," she replied, her tone icy. "It's not an actual physical place, it's a state of mind. My people are scattered throughout the galaxy, and our only connection is through our philosophy."

"Oh. I see," Lando said, feeling confused. Deep down, he was starting to wonder if getting engaged to a woman he'd met less than three weeks ago was a good idea. She was so defensive all the time, and seemed rather paranoid. Some of the stories she told were rather preposterous. He watched as Honey Ba'her stomped off, the primal male part of him appreciating the view. Ah, so what if she was a bit eccentric? If everyone thought exactly the same, life would be boring, and Lando hated being bored.

* * *

Two days later…

Tranzam

The _Millennium Falcon_ shadowed an Imperial shuttle down to the surface of the planet, remaining close enough to not be detected by the Star Destroyers surrounding the planet. It was a tricky maneuver, and few pilots were daring enough to attempt it. It was necessary to stay just behind the shuttle, far enough away to avoid the engine's afterburners, yet close enough that the shuttle's pilots could not get a visual lock, and that their own sensors would have the _Falcon_ show up as an echo. Once they'd entered the planet's atmosphere, Han then used the thick cloud cover to break away, hoping by this time the Imperials would have their attention focused elsewhere.

"Keep your fingers crossed, Chewie, or this is gonna be one short trip," Han told his co-pilot.

"Arooo," Chewie yelled back.

"I _know _you can't technically cross your fingers," Han shouted. "It's just an expression."

"Narrarrgh!" The Wookiee wagged his paw in Han's face. "Rearough ah varroom!"

Han's eyebrows shot up. "'Humans are nuts' is not an expression!"

The Wookiee gave more barks, nodding vigorously.

"No, I don't want to bet on it," Han returned. He jabbed his finger at the viewport. "If you don't pay attention to this landing, we'll both be another old expression… flatter than a flapcake."

"Murrorroo hemarckour?"

"Yeah, pal, I guess we can get some flapcakes after we land," Han said with a sigh. Chewie was so easily distracted whenever the subject of food came up.

* * *

Leia dabbed her eyes, and gave a loud honk into her tissue as she addressed the small holo-gram. "This isn't fair, Winter. Why is it every time Father acts irresponsibly, I have to sacrifice myself to save Alderaan? I know that the beings of the galaxy expect Prince Bail to be the daring, bold adventurer, but really, who in their right mind goes spelunking on Mustafar, anyway? Why couldn't Little Junior Vader demand someone else's in marriage? Why me?"

"_Because you're a Princess_," Winter's small, shimmering form replied patiently. "_There are very few, young eligible Princesses in the galaxy. You don't want them to blow up Alderaan if you refuse, do you_?"

The Princess gave her nose another noisy toot. "Empty threats. I don't believe they truly can do that, do you?"

"_Well, I don't know_," Winter agreed. "_But it's a chance I'd rather not take_." She smiled reassuringly at her friend, dressed in a long white gown. "_You do look like a beautiful bride, Leia. I sure wish they'd let me attend your wedding. Have a nice day, and keep your chin up. I'm sure Prince Bail will turn up safe and sound someday. He always does."_

"By then, it'll be too late for him to stop the wedding." A buzzer sounded, and Leia quickly shut off the connection to Alderaan, since she didn't want to get caught talking to Winter. "Yes?" she called out, looked toward the doorway. "Who is it?"

The door whooshed open, and a tall, towering creature encased in black armor entered the room. "Your soon-to-be father-in-law," Vader hissed out. "Are you ready for the nuptials to begin? Little Junior is anxious."

"Are you sure this feels right?" Leia asked nervously. "I know I'm not Force sensitive like you and Junior, but … but…."

Vader held up his gloved hand, flexing his fingers, which made an odd, grinding sound. "Are you questioning my judgment, missy?"

"No…no…." Leia said quickly. "What's wrong with your hand?"

Vader turned his visor to gaze at his hand. "I just lubricated my joints. I want to be limber for the reception, when we do the Twi'lek two-step." He pointed his finger in Leia's face. "You'd better be marching down that aisle on-time, Princess. I grow tired of waiting." With those threatening words, Vader spun around and stalked out of the room, leaving the flustered Princess behind.

As the Wedding March music came drifting in, her eyes flickered to the window. It was only a two story drop to the grass below. Even if she broke her leg escaping, it still would be the best part of the day.

* * *

Han nodded his approval as the dealer showed him the sparkling new, black and gold hover-car. "Is it fast?"

"Fast?" the plaid-suited Bith repeated, clutching his chest dramatically. "This craft can make zero to one-hundred in two parsecs."

"That makes no sense," Han complained.

The Bith slapped Han on the back. "Let's just say it's real fast. Fast enough for you, old man."

"Who are you calling old!?" Han yelled indignantly.

"A major chick maggot," the Bith continued on, unfazed at Han's outrage. "Females will be crawling out of the woodwork for a ride, if you get my drift."

"Maggot? Don't you mean magnet?"

"Do magnets crawl outta woodwork?" the Bith snorted merrily.

"No, actually, they don't," Han groused. "Look, I'm not interested in picking up girls. I just want a fast car."

"Then this is your new machine! You'd better act fast, or some other lucky stiff will buy it out from over you," the sales-being pushed.

"Under," Han muttered.

"What?"

"Never mind." Glaring, Han handed over the credit voucher, not bothering to haggle over the price. It wasn't his money, after all. And, despite the annoying sales-being, the hover-car was one hot looking vehicle. It even had a fancy golden falcon painted on the hood. If that wasn't a sign it was the right hover-car, nothing was.

Jumping in the hover-car, Han pressed down hard on the accelerator, and the hover-craft's big engine responded with a roar. Driving much faster than necessary, he headed down the street to the address Lando had directed the hover-truck would be located. Chewie should already be there, and waiting for his arrival.

Han skidded to a stop, his eyes blinking in surprise. Indeed, Chewie was there, waiting next to the rental. Jumping out, Han let loose with a low whistle. "Wow, pal. That's some truck."

*DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DRIVE THIS… THIS THING!?* Chewie bellowed. *We are SUPPOSED to be picking up contraband! Can this truck _be_ anymore noticeable? Why not put flashing lights and clanging bells on the top to announce our presence?*

"Keep it down," Han whispered out of the side of his mouth. "It's not that bad."

*It has a HERD OF THUNDERING NERFS painted on the sides!* Chewie yelled. *What was Calrissian thinking?*

"He's engaged to be married. Give the guy a break. I've heard that once a female traps a male, his brain atrophies."

*Then what is your excuse?* Chewie woofed out as he climbed up into the cab.


	2. Chapter 2

Two

Corran Horn was not happy.

A few short days ago, he'd been on Corellia, busily working for CorSec and keeping the galaxy free from smugglers. Then he received a comm from Imperial Governor Tarkin, ordering him to head immediately to Tranzam. Corran didn't much care for the Empire, but it _was_ the legal government, and CorSec employees bowed to whatever orders came from Coruscant. Even if those orders made little sense. And these orders were completely senseless.

First, Corran was to allow a pair of smugglers to get past an Imperial blockade surrounding Tranzam. Then, after they were safely landed, he was to follow the smugglers at a discreet distance and allow them to get to their destination, pick up whatever contraband they were purchasing. Then, the strangest order of all – follow them back and ensure they safely got off-planet to make their delivery. After some consideration, Corran decided it must be something very important – like highly advanced weapons, or perhaps extremely rare laser crystals. He also wondered _how_ the Empire had known that smugglers were coming to Tranzam, down to the exact day. He suspected the Empire wanted to also catch the person that had hired the smugglers with the contraband once it arrived at its final destination.

When the ship landed, Corran wasn't overly surprised that it was his long-time nemesis, Han Solo. Now, hours later from his vantage point across the busy street, he could see the Wookiee and Solo admiring a brand new hover-car and a flashy hover-truck. It sure wouldn't be too difficult to keep sight of an enormous black hover-truck with a bunch of wild nerfs painted on both sides. What was Solo thinking, anyway? Most smugglers tried to be somewhat low-key, but this crazy set-up made Corran question Solo's sanity. Maybe that was the reason Solo had eluded him for so many years – it was difficult for a sane person to predict the actions of a lunatic.

He started up his own hover-car as the Wookiee climbed inside the truck, and watched as Solo roared off in front of the truck in the hover-car at a break-neck speed. He lifted his macro-binoculars and saw Chewbacca shaking his head in dismay at his partner's reckless driving.

It was at that moment Corran decided he actually felt sorry for the Wookiee.

* * *

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Luke?"

"How come it's taking the Princess so long to come through the door?" Luke questioned as the Wedding March played on… and on. The much shorter version of Darth Vader – dressed almost exactly like his father - twisted around to look longingly down the aisle. "All the guests are getting fidgety."

Lord Vader glanced backwards, and noticed his son was correct. "The guests will remain seated as long as it takes, or they will experience the full power of the dark side of the Force." He looked down at his pride and joy, and felt a twinge of embarrassment. Little Junior Vader had insisted on wearing a wreath of white flowers placed on top of the black helmet for his wedding day. Perhaps Lord Vader could have ignored that decoration if that was the _only _difference in their costumes. Luke, however, also wore an extremely long black cape, with a twenty foot train trailing down the aisle. Even that Vader might have overlooked. But since Vader had located his missing son on Tatooine ten years ago (and it wasn't difficult, considering the idiots that stole him didn't change the kid's last name!) the boy had insisted on placing a large, red "S" on the back of the cape and the front chest plate. Even now, Vader could recall the argument he'd had with little Luke.

"_Son, it isn't necessary for you to wear armor and a mask."_

"_But it shows everyone that I'm a big, bad Sith. No one will be afraid of me if I don't look like you!"_

"_Fine then, but do you have to put a red "S" on it?"_

"_Yeah," the boy had insisted, refusing to back down. "I'm SUPER SITHLY SKYWALKER! My costume should have THREE 'S's', not just two!"_

Vader had hoped Luke would outgrow the desire to wear a duplicate black suit with red S's plastered on it, but alas, it was not to be.

He was vastly relieved when the boy began showing interest in females, and when Luke started collecting holo-photos of Princess Leia of Alderaan, Vader knew it was time to take his son's interest to the next level. The timely disappearance of Prince Bail allowed the Sith to insist that Princess Leia meet, and then quickly accept, Luke's proposal of marriage. Lord Vader didn't actually blame the Princess for her reluctance, since Luke had refused to remove the helmet during their 'courtship'. But Vader sincerely hoped that his son would have the good sense to take it off during their wedding night.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Son," Vader said patiently.

"I drank a lot of julu-juice and ate hot-chips a little bit ago at the buffet table, and now I'm feeling queasy."

"Queasy?"

"You know…"

"Use the Force and suck it up," Vader ordered, wondering, not for the first time in his life, if Luke was cut out to be a Sith.

"Easy for you to say. Leia better get here real soon, or I might be hurling something besides Force-lightning," Luke muttered.

* * *

Fortunately, the Princess survived the two story drop to the ground, due in part to the large bush that broke the impact of her fall. With green leaves and various broken sticks clinging to her lovely gown, she snuck away from the rented country club. An ancient, rusting delivery truck sat alone, parked behind a large garage. The back doors were wide open, and Leia saw her opportunity. On her wobbly high-heels, she awkwardly climbed inside the refrigerated interior, and hid behind some empty containers. A few moments later, she could hear a prim voice arguing with someone.

"We have made our delivery, and it is time to go. I have no desire to witness a human wedding, and besides, we are not invited guests. If we got caught lurking, who knows what awful punishment might happen to us?"

The comment about getting caught made the Princess tremble with fear. She could imagine no worse fate than going through with a sham marriage to Little Junior Vader. He might not even be human under that mask. So engrossed in her own thoughts, she missed the reply from the being's companion, and instead only heard the voice giving the order to get inside the cab. A few seconds later, the back door lowered with a creaking groan, cutting off the outside light and leaving Leia sitting in the dark and cold interior.

The engine coughed to life, and Leia was one step closer to freedom.

* * *

"We're making pretty good time, Chewie," Han said, speaking into his comlink. So far, they'd been keeping to the main roads, and trying to blend into the local traffic, while maintaining a speed considerably higher than the legal limit. "Are you picking up any Imp signals on your ISD?" ISD was short for 'interceptor signal device' and they were used to pick up short-range scrambled Imperial and law enforcement transmissions. They were also highly illegal, but Lando had been good enough to supply one inside the hover-truck, so they could avoid the local traffic officers.

*_Nothing important_,* Chewie replied through the small speaker. *_A lot of chatter about that big wedding between Vader's son and the princess.. It seems a member of the wedding party is missing_.*

Han let loose with a loud guffaw, and joked, "Maybe the bride ran off."

*_Not likely_.*

"Would _you_ want to be related to Darth Vader?"

*_Good point_,* Chewie conceded. *_But I wouldn't want to have Lord Vader chasing me, either._*

"Yeah," Han agreed. "That would be bad."

*_Han?_*

"What?"

*_Do you think that gray hover-car is following us_?*

Frowning, Han looked into his rearview mirror. He could see nothing, and he shifted lanes to get a better view behind Chewie's hover-truck. Far back, he could see several gray hover-crafts in the distance. "Which one?"

*_The smaller one, behind the first. It seems to be keeping up with us_.*

"Ah, it's probably just a dura-lead footed driver that wants to use us as his front door."

*_Front door_?* Chewie barked out questioningly.

"You know… a vehicle that will be spotted first speeding, and be more likely to get the wrong kind of attention," Han explained.

*_I suppose_.*

"Yeah, don't worry about it," Han said confidently. He patted the dash of the hover-car lovingly. "This baby will outrun anything."

* * *

"Daddy?"

"Yes, son," Vader ground out as they stomped around the manicured lawns, looking behind bushes and inside storage sheds. A platoon of stormtroopers followed behind the pair, while the wedding guests were left alone, sitting in confusion and too frightened of the Sith to actually take their gifts and leave.

"Do you think Leia ran away, or did someone steal her?" Luke questioned his father, as he tagged along. "If she ran off, that would mean she didn't want to marry me. Didn't you say she was excited to marry me? I only want her to be happy. If she didn't want to marry me, she should have just said so in the first place. Right? And if she was kidnapped, then I can be her hero when I rescue her. Do you think she'll swoon when I rescue her? I've always read that princesses need a lot of rescuing. Do you suppose this will happen a lot after we're married, or are princesses only kidnapped before they get married?"

"I don't know," Vader growled.

"I'm not too sure I wanted to marry Leia in the first place," Luke said suddenly.

"WHAT?"

"This marriage was all your idea," Luke shot back petulantly.

Vader stared for a long moment at the son he couldn't fathom. "What about all those holo-stills of her in your room?"

Luke shrugged. "I don't know. When I first saw a holo-still of her, I felt some kind of connection. I never said I loved her. You jumped to conclusions."

"Why are you first telling me this now?"

"I'm thinking if she ran off, maybe we should cancel the wedding."

"Not a chance. We have a reputation to maintain." The Sith looked at the spray of flowers on Luke's helmet, and the long cape with the red "S", and wondered if it were even possible to salvage his reputation at this point. "What else can go wrong today?"

"I don't know, but the good news is I'm not feeling queasy anymore," Luke told his father.

"I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me," Vader muttered sarcastically.

"I knew it would," Luke said happily.

* * *

The delivery truck chugged along the busy road, wisps of dark smoke coming from under the hood. "I do believe this vehicle's engine is making a banging noise," the driver told his companion as he tilted his head to one side. "Perhaps we should pull over."

The banging grew louder, and faster. "What did you say…you think the banging is coming from the back?" The driver seemed dubious. "Why would the noise be coming from there? The engine is up front, and I'm fairly certain that black smoke coming from the front is a bad sign. Do you know anything about fixing hover-trucks?"

Disgusted with the negative response, the driver pulled the hover-truck over to the side, and turned off the engine. "You are correct! That noise IS coming from the back! We should probably check it out – although I do hope it isn't anything dangerous. You go look first, Artoo."


	3. Chapter 3

Three

Security guards hurriedly checked out all holo-cams, and reported back to the Sith Lord that one holo-cam clearly showed the Princess jumping out of a window of her own free will. Where she went after she left the building was anyone's guess, since the only vehicles leaving the grounds were either security or delivery hover-vans.

Vader put his hands on his hips as he pondered his options. "It is obvious the Princess has left the premises, and there is no way she simply walked out of the area. Therefore, by reasonable deduction, she must have hitched a ride with a delivery hover-craft."

The Dark Lord spun toward the squad of stormtroopers. "Get me my own security craft, and have several more security vehicles follow us as backup. The rest of you stay here, and wait for further orders."

"Isn't my daddy smart?" Luke asked the silent troopers. "He's da bomb."

Moments later, three security vehicles, with Darth Vader in the driver's seat of the lead car and Little Junior Vader sitting next to him, sped away.

Meanwhile, the wedding guests grew ever more anxious as dozens of heavily armed stormtroopers surrounded the chapel. It had been hours since the 'start' of the ceremony, and still no one dared to defy the Sith by leaving.

* * *

The little astromech droid wheeled over to the back of the hover-van, and extended its arm to open the door. The back exit had only partially lifted before a frost-covered bride leaped out, rubbing her arms and jumping up and down to warm up.

"What took you so long to stop?" Leia demanded. "I've been pounding on that wall for an hour!"

"Berroup?"

"I can't understand droid!"

"Perhaps I can be of some assistance," a tall human-shaped droid piped up as he hurried over. "Allow me to introduce myself… I am C-3PO, or Threepio for short. I am a human-cyborg relations droid, but I find myself having fallen on hard times, so I have been forced to seek employment as a hover-craft delivery droid. Oh, I cannot express the humiliation of having to accept a job so far beneath my true calling."

"Verrup."

Threepio waved his hand downward. "And that's R2-D2. This type of work suits him to a tee." He gazed at the human female. "How did you end up in back of our truck? Are you Princess Leia Organa?"

"Yes, I am," Leia said, her teeth still chattering.

"Why are you here? You should be having dried seeds tossed at you by now, although I must confess that has always puzzled me."

"I ran away."

Threepio tilted his head. "Why would you do such a thing?"

"Because I don't love Little Junior Vader," she yelled back. "Would you like to marry him?"

"I do not think that would be legal, actually…"

Leia shook her head. "We can't stand around. Someone will see me." She hurried over to the truck and climbed behind the wheel inside the cab, then pressed the 'start' button. The engine coughed and wheezed, and refused to start. "What's wrong with this thing?"

"Excuse me," Threepio protested, following her and tapping on her thigh with his metal finger. "I will get fired if I allow you to drive."

Ignoring the droid, Leia attempted to start the hover-truck a second time. This time, black smoke started billowing out from under the hood. "This truck is junk!" she stated, leaping back out.

Threepio scratched the top of his head. "I have told my Master that the engine required some work, but he wouldn't listen to me. Humans never listen to me, and they would almost always benefit from taking my advice."

"Now what am I going to do?" Leia wailed, looking around in a panic. "I can't let them catch me."

"Are you asking me for advice?" Threepio asked in surprise. "That is so kind of you. Perhaps we should call a hover-cab. Or perhaps we should call Triple XXX. That's the insurance company my Master pays credits to, although he always complains about the cost. 'Expect the Exceptional Extraordinary' is their motto. I have never had cause to contact them, but they certainly sound up to the task."

Leia could hear the roar of engines approaching from over the next hill. "I have a better idea." Then she ran into the middle of the road, and started waving her arms.

"That seems to be a dangerous plan, Princess Leia. My suggestions are much more reasonable…"

* * *

As Han's hover-car crested the hill, he blinked twice, just so he could be certain he wasn't hallucinating. Then he raised the com-link to his lips. "Chewie? Do you see what I see?"

*_I sure do_,* his partner woofed back. *_A run-away bride if I ever saw one. It appears she requires assistance._*

"Well, I'm sure not stopping to help," Han shot back. "We don't have time to get messed up with that. And if it's that princess bride, we for sure don't want to get involved!"

*_I'm stopping_.*

"Don't you dare!" Han warned, but he could see in his rear-view mirror the hover-truck was already in the process of slowing down. "I guess I don't have a choice," he grumbled. "Either I hit the crazy girl, or pull over." He pulled over and Chewie stopped directly behind him.

The bedraggled bride hobbled over, and without waiting for an invitation, yanked open the passenger door of Han's car and sat down. "Is that truck with the herd of nerfs painted on the side with you?"

"Yeah," Han replied cautiously.

"Threepio, Artoo! Get into the truck!" Leia yelled over at the droids.

*_No fair_!* Chewie protested as he saw the droids coming toward him. *_Why do you get the pretty lady, and I get the droids?_*

"You deserve it for stopping," Han snapped into the comm. He glared at the young woman. "Please don't tell me you're running away from the Darth Vader wedding."

"Okay, I won't," she replied snippily, then pointed at the car. "How fast can this thing go?"

"Hang on to your tiara, Princess." Han pressed down hard on the accelerator, and the hover-car slammed them both back against the seat as it took off. "Don't call her a 'thing', 'cuz I'm getting real attached to my new hover-car. In fact, I've decided to name her 'Firebird' because of the gold falcon painted on the hood."

"How very clever of you," Leia said sarcastically. "What is it with men referring to inanimate objects as a 'she', anyway?"

"We can't very well consider them 'he'. That would be plain weird." He glanced back, and saw that Chewie had already pulled both droids inside the cab, and was starting to follow. "I hope you don't have a particular destination in mind, 'cuz I gotta warn you we're on a tight schedule and I don't plan on having any delays."

"Wherever you go, it's better than where I was," she responded. "What's your name?"

"Solo. Han Solo." He stuck out his hand for her to shake.

"Leia Organa," Leia said, taking his grip.

"Whoa…that's one mighty set of cold digits you got there. You're a regular Ice Princess, aren't you?"

She glared at him for a moment, the wind whipping her veil away and sending it tumbling off to the side of the road. "Who's driving that fancy nerf-truck?"

"My partner, Chewie," Han replied. "I'm driving lead, ready to deflect any Imperial entanglements… if you get my drift."

"Hauling something illegal?"

"Not yet," Han said with a lop-sided smirk. "Ask me again in a few hours."

"What are you getting?"

"Tranzam ale."

Leia wrinkled up her nose. "I hate that stuff."

"Each to their own."

"You can say that again, nerf-herder."

* * *

Corran had pulled to a stop when he saw his prey pulling over. He waited patiently until they were once again moving, then restarted his vehicle. He drove quickly to catch up, but then noticed something white blowing out of Solo's car. Curious, he pulled over and headed over to the object. It was a wedding veil. Corran frowned in thought. Why in the stars would Solo have a wedding veil in his new car? He was about to toss it aside when three security cars came over the hill with lights flashing. The front hover-craft came to a screeching halt, and a menacing figure dressed in all black jumped out.

Surprised, Corran Horn instantly recognized the Sith Lord as Darth Vader. "Lord Vader," he said politely, nodding in deference. "Why are you here?"

The Sith snatched the veil from the Corellian's fingers. "Where did you get this?"

"It was on the side of the road." Corran's eyes flickered over to another Sith headed in his direction, this one a minature version of the original. Except for that long cape and the decorative red "S". "It blew out of the hover-car I'm following."

"Why?" the shorter version of Vader demanded hotly.

"Why? Why what?"

"Why are you following my fiancée?" Junior asked, stomping his foot.

"I'm not following her," Corran replied, his confusion growing. "My name is Corran Horn, and I'm with CorSec. I'm following a smuggler named Solo, on the orders of Governor Tarkin."

"He's lying," Junior said, pointing at Corran. "Cut him in half, Daddy." The little Sith nodded toward Corran. "Now you're going to be sorry."

"Settle down, Luke," Vader told his son. "This man is telling us the truth."

"He is?" Luke asked in surprise.

"Don't you ever use the Force like you've been taught?" Vader asked Luke, irked.

"I try," Luke complained. "But I don't believe I'm Sith material."

"NONSENSE! You are my son. Therefore you must be the greatest Sith ever."

"That's not fair," Luke said, folding his arms across his chest. "What if I want to be an artist? Or try out for the next 'Food Holo-Net Star Chef'? Or sing opera?"

Corran clenched his jaw in annoyance. "Listen up, you two Siths. I have a job to do and I intend to do it."

"Can I do it, too?" Luke questioned Corran.

"Do what?"

"Join CorSec?"

"NO!"

"Daddy…." Luke sniffed. "The CorSec guy is being mean to me."

"I shall not allow Tarkin's orders to override what is truly important," Vader declared. "And that is to locate my errant future daughter-in-law." He pointed a gloved finger in Corran's face. "If she is now with this smuggler named Solo, you shall not interfere with us while we retrieve her." With those words, Vader stalked back to his vehicle.

Little Vader jabbed his finger into Corran's chest, and said, "So there, too!" Then he hurried after his father.

Corran watched in dismay as the security cars roared away, shrugged his shoulders and got back into his own vehicle to follow the growing parade.


	4. Chapter 4

Four

"Why'd you ever agree to marry a Sith, anyway?" Han asked the Princess conversationally.

"Well, it's like this," Leia explained. "My father, that would be Prince Bail Organa, doesn't really rule the planet of Alderaan, you know, he's just sort of a figurehead. Do you know what that means?"

Han pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Someone that's paid a lot of money to sit around and look pretty?"

"Not exactly," Leia said. "Our family used to be actual rulers, but then somewhere in the past it was decided there should be an elected parliament. Talk about being paid too much to sit around." She glanced behind her shoulder. "Do you think we've lost them?"

"Lost who?"

"Those blasted Imperials. They'll be following me, and that's a given. Anyway, I don't see them, so getting back to my story. My father gets bored a lot, since he's not allowed to be the ruler. So, since he's got a lot of money and time he goes off on adventures. He once built his very own out-rigger canoe and sailed around the entire planet all by himself! Did you know that? And he's also hunted predators on the surface of Kashyyyk, which is very dangerous, and usually only male Wookiees are permitted to do those things. Do you mind if I take off this dress?"

"I'd sort of like that," Han said, grinning.

"Don't get any ideas," Leia threatened, wagging her finger at Han. "I had the brains to put on a top and shorts under this dress before I jumped out of the window. I figured it would be less conspicuous if I weren't parading around in a long, white gown when I'm running away. But then it was so cold in the back of that delivery truck I couldn't very well take it off, because then I'd have frozen to death, although that still would have been better than getting married to Junior." She yanked at the sleeves, then pulled the bodice of the gown up over her head, and her bare legs wiggled out from the hem of the dress.

Han blinked, and tried to keep his eyes focused on the road ahead, then opened his comlink and held it up to his passenger.

From under the material, she continued, "Like I was saying, my father is this big adventurer. He even has his own holo-show about it. So his last trip he decided to head to Mustafar and go spelunking. Do you know what spelunking is? It's basically going down into caves and exploring, only it's quite dangerous on Mustafar because of all the lava and fumes. But he – that's my father – swore he knew what he was doing, and it would make for a good segment for his holo-show. That was the last I heard from him, and wouldn't you know? Just when he's gone, Darth Vader shows up with his son in tow and tells me if I don't marry Junior Vader he was going to throw my aunts in prison and maybe even blow up Alderaan. Do you think it's possible to blow up an entire planet?" She jerked the gown up over her head, and frowned at the comlink. "What's that for?"

"Oh, just entertaining my partner," Han said, watching as she pushed the dress out of the hover-car.

*_Was that what I think it was_?* Chewie howled over the speaker. *_What's the lady wearing, Han_? _Inquiring minds need to know_.*

Threepio could be heard piping up, "_I am fairly certain a Princess should not be undressing in public_."

"Unfortunately, she's wearing blue shorts and a white shirt," Han admitted. "I gotta admit I was hoping for less."

*_Han? According to my navi-comp, our turn-off is in one-klick, at the next left turn. That should take us up a hill to our supplier_.*

At their speed, a klick went by fast, and Han leaned forward, trying to find the turn. "I don't see a … wait! There it is!"

"You're going too fast," Leia warned. "You're not going to make - "

Her protest was cut off with a high-pitched shriek as Han yanked on the throttle, and spun the hover-car hard to the left. The rear fish-tailed, and they crashed through low-hanging branches onto the narrow dirt path. "You were saying?" he asked with a cocky grin.

"Uh, nothing."

"You still back there, Chewie?" Han asked into the comlink.

*_Yes, and according to the chatter on the ISD, you should probably know the Imps are on the lookout for a black hover-car with a gold falcon painted on it. It sounds like the Darth boys are on the hunt, personally. Our hitch-hiker is proving to be popular_.*

"It's not my fault!" Han yelled in protest. "You're the one that stopped for her!"

Leia shook her head in disgust. "You're quite the mercenary, aren't you? Do you care about anything, or anyone?"

"Listen, sister," Han shot back. "I care about one thing… credits! And if I can get this ale off-planet and delivered in time, I'll be sitting pretty."

The Princess folded her arms across her chest, glared ahead at the winding road, and tried to remind herself that at least she wasn't married to Junior. The thought kept her from throttling the man sitting beside her.

* * *

The line of security hover-cars came to a second stop, this time to retrieve the dusty wedding dress from the middle of the road.

"Gee, Daddy," Luke said, fingering the torn garment as his father ripped it apart in rage. "Do you suppose Leia is walking around nekkid as a Jawa?"

"Jawas do not walk around naked," Vader said. "You were ten years old when I took you from Tatooine! Why do you not remember that?"

"I was very traumatized," Luke stated with a shrug. "I have magnesia when it comes to certain things."

"AMNESIA! AMNESIA!" Vader roared.

Corran rubbed his forehead. "In case you haven't noticed, we've spent so much time gathering up various pieces of wedding apparel, that we've lost sight of our target."

"He's got to be in front of us, somewhere," Luke pointed out. "Unless they snuck past us going back the other way." The smaller Sith turned to the four stormtroopers, and pointed in the direction they'd just come from. "Did you guys see anything suspicious going back thadda way?"

"No, Sir!" they all shouted in response.

"Nothing at all?" Luke prodded "One of them would've looked something like a nekkid Princess."

"No, Sir!"

"We are wasting time," Corran growled in frustration. "Every second we stand here, Solo is getting further ahead of us."

"Daddy! Corran is yelling at me!" Luke informed his father.

"We shall not allow Solo to elude us," Vader ordered firmly. "Back to the hover-cars, men… immediately!" He turned for a moment toward Corran to add, "And do not yell at Junior."

Luke gave an affirmative nod. "So there, too."

As they traveled at a breakneck speed to catch up with the smuggler, no one noticed the small dirt road on the left.

* * *

The black hover-car roared up to a ramshackle hut, and brought the car to a halt. A few moments later, Chewie pulled up behind him, and turned off the rumbling engine. Both Han and Leia jumped out and waited for the Wookiee and the two droids to walk over.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Han questioned. "It looks like a dump."

*This is where Lando's directions brought us,* Chewie informed his partner. *Perhaps we should knock.*

No sooner had the words left his mouth, than a blaster bolt shot out from a broken window pane, barely clearing Han's scalp. The group threw themselves down flat, and Han pulled his blaster out from his holster, firing back.

"What are you doing?" Leia hissed out.

"Defending myself?"

"Maybe, and this is just an idea, we should introduce ourselves?" Leia questioned.

"Good idea," Han said. "You go over there and introduce yourself. We'll stay here until you get things cleared up."

"So I can get my head shot off, just as long as you're safe?" Leia asked sarcastically.

"That's the general idea," Han agreed. "'Sides, if whoever's shooting at us happens to be a man, he'll be less likely to fire at you….since you're a girl, and all."

*Maybe we should send the droids?* Chewie suggested.

Threepio threw up his hands. "That is a terrible, awful, dangerous idea!" He could only stare in shock as Artoo started moving toward the house. "What do you think you are doing? Get back here this instant! This is no time to play hero."

But it was too late. The little droid was halfway to the door. They all watched in fear as the droid extended his 'arm' and knocked politely. After a moment, the door creaked open, and Artoo rolled inside. The door slammed shut. Then they waited.

A few minutes later, the door reopened, and someone dressed in brown robes stepped out onto the sagging porch. He lowered the cowl from around his face, and revealed the face of an elderly gentleman with white hair. "Well, come inside," the slurred but still refined voice called out. "Baron Calrissian told me you…you'd be stopping by."

Han struggled to his feet, and stalked over, frowning in anger. "Are you the Tranzam ale bootlegger?"

"Yes, I's am," the man replied, sticking out his hand, and swaying a bit on his feet. "My name is Obis Kampbill."

Han didn't take the man's hand, but took a step back from the powerful alcohol fumes emanating from the man's breath. "Why were you shooting at us?"

"There's was only supposed to be two of you," the man replied defensively, holding up three fingers. "You's should have warned me." He peered closely at Leia. "Now that you're closer, I's must say you look mighty fa…fa..miliar, y'ung lady."

Leia smiled coyly. "I guess I am somewhat famous. My name is Leia Organa."

The man clutched his chest. "Bless the Force! I knew your father, back during the Clone War days. I's use'ta be a big-time General with the old Republic."

"Sure you were," Han said with a snort.

Leia was more polite. "Really? I've never heard of the name Obis Kampbill."

The old man leaned closer to Leia, and whispered loudly, "'Fore I's became a hermit and failed in my final task so utterly and completely that I's had to resort to making my living selling illegal booze, my name was Obi-Wan Kenobi."


	5. Chapter 5

Five

"OBI-WAN KENOBI?" Leia screeched in surprise. "I've heard of you… you're a Jedi Knight! The hero with no fear!"

"No, no… wrong guy," Obis said, shaking his head as he led them inside the old house, which was just as unkempt as the outside. "I used'ta be a Jedi, but that was a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I'm fearful an awful lot lately. That's why I became a hermit, and, you know…" He stopped talking, and buried his face in his hands as he started sniffing.

"No, I don't know," Leia said. She noticed a small kitchen area, and hurried over to make some instant kaffe. Hopefully, that would make the old man more lucid.

"Are you crying?" Han demanded, glaring at Obis, or Obi-Wan, or whatever his name was. "I don't like it when men start crying. It makes me nervous."

This only made the older man start sobbing even harder, and a few minutes later, Leia returned and patted his shoulder in a conciliatory gesture as she handed him the steaming cup of murky liquid. "There, there. Drink this down and tell us what happened that caused a great General and a Jedi to turn into a grimy old lush that makes his living selling illegal ale."

That comment caused Obi-Wan to let loose with a loud, anguished wail.

"We don't have time for that," Han interrupted, holding his fingers in his ears. "We've got to load up the booze, and get moving. Time's wasting."

*I will load up the booze with the droids, while you can stay here and listen to Obis's tale of woe,* Chewie woofed helpfully. The loud noise was hurting his sensitive hearing, and he wanted to get away from the bawling former General.

"Thank you," Obis said to the Wookiee.

"Yeah, thanks a lot, pal," Han muttered under his breath.

"The… ale is… all ready to… go," Obis hiccupped out between his crying. "It's… stored in the back… shed."

Chewie nodded, and waved for the droids to come as he hurried out to the back.

"How do you understand Shyriiwook?" Han demanded.

"I've been around the dura-crete block a few times," Obis said with a last sniff. He looked imploring at the Princess. "You look just like your mother, Force-bless her dearly departed spirit."

"You knew my mother?" Leia asked, surprised.

"Mother. Father. Brother. Yup, I knew 'em all."

"I don't have a brother," Leia declared firmly. "You have me mixed up with some other Princess Leia Organa."

"If you're the adopted Princess Leia Organa from Alderaan, I'm not mixed up," Obi-Wan said indignantly. "I watched your mother give birth to her babies, name both of you, and then up and die for no apparent reason whatsoever. I still think it might have been shock of seeing she had twins, and that they look so completely different from each other. Now, mind you, I knew right away you were a girl baby and your twin was a boy baby, even though the Old Jedi Order forbid its members from having relationships. Still, it makes one wonder where all those little Jedi came from if no one with the Force was allowed to boom-shagalaga, if you get my drift."

"Who cares?" Han grumbled, annoyed this was taking so much precious time away from his trip.

"I care!" Leia shouted. "Do you realize what's happened to me? First I almost marry a Junior Sith, and now I find out I have a brother?!"

"Almost getting married does make for an exciting day," Obis agreed with a nod.

"What happened to my brother?"

"Seconds after you were born, the two of you were taken to your new homes." Obis-the-former-Jedi pointed over his left shoulder with his right hand. "You went there." Then he pointed over his right shoulder with his left hand. "And Luke went there."

Leia's face paled. "Did you say Luke?" She spun on her toe and stared at Han. " 'Luke' is the name of Little Junior Vader."

"Ah, it couldn't be the same guy," Han protested. "What are the odds?"

"Well, if Little Junior Vader's father is Darth Vader, I'd have to say those odds are pretty dang good, because once Darth put on that suit, I don't think any sane woman would be interested in him anymore." Obi-Wan said, stroking his bearded chin in contemplation. "And, come to think of it, after he fell into that lava I'm not too sure he'd be able to boom-shagalaga anymore, if you get my drift."

"Wait a second…," Leia gasped in disbelief. "If Luke is my twin brother, and Vader is Luke's father… that means…"

"Vader is your daddy, and you nearly married your brother," Han summed up with a nod. "Wow. This really is a life-changing day for you, Princess." Han pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Let me get this straight. Sith have off-spring, so they are allowed to, um…"

"Boom-shagalaga?" Obis finished, wagging his eyebrows up and down.

"Yeah."

"Before he became Darth Vader, his name was Anakin Skywalker. He was my Jedi apprentice, but he was a very, very naughty boy. Wouldn't listen to a word I said. I should have listened to Yoda when he told me Anakin was too old to train as a Jedi."

Han decided not to ask who 'Yoda' was, because it would only increase the length of an already windy tale.

"What happened to my brother?" Leia squeaked out, still reeling from the idea she had almost married her twin.

"I took Luke to Tatooine so the nice Lars' could raise him up right proper, and I could keep an eye on him so he wouldn't wind up being a Sith. That was the task that I failed at utterly and completely, but in all fairness, it wasn't completely my fault. When I suggested it might be a good idea if we changed Luke's last name to 'Lars' after I brought him to Tatooine, stubborn Owen wouldn't hear of it. Bail didn't keep your last name 'Skywalker', did he? But you try dealing with backward sand farmers! So one day, ten years later, Vader came sneaking onto the planet one night after I'd been out having a bit of fun in Mos Eisley, and took his lightsaber to poor Owen and Beru. Then, poof, he disappeared with poor little Luke. I never even had the pleasure of telling Owen 'I told you so'. After that, what was the point in me hanging around that sand hole anymore? I took what little credits I had, and came to live out my days here, making and selling the finest bootleg ale in the galaxy."

Han gazed around the falling down shack. "It looks like you've been real successful, too."

Obi-Wan beamed with pleasure. "Thanks!"

"This just can't be possible," Leia moaned, shaking her head. "Luke is such a dimwit! How can I be related to him?"

Obi-Wan shrugged. "Perhaps Palpatine shot Force-lightning at the poor boy and scrambled his brain cells. I've heard that can happen."

"I'm going to be sick," Leia said, slumping into a ratty old chair. "Did my … I mean, did Prince Bail Organa know all this?"

"Yes," Obi-Wan stated. "Bad, bad, Bail … letting his little girl marry her own brother."

"Prince Bail is currently missing down in a cave on Mustafar, or I'm sure he would have stopped it," Leia said defensively.

"You didn't marry Luke, did you? So all's well that end's well," Obi-Wan said with a nod.

* * *

"I think we've lost Leia," Luke said sadly as the hover-cars sped along. "Do you suppose I'll have to return all the wedding gifts?"

"The guests will not dare take those presents when they leave, or they will feel the full power of the darkside." Vader craned his head to one side. "The Force is telling me we missed our turn. We will turn around and go back the way we came."

"Okay," Luke said agreeably as the hover-craft whipped around, followed closely by the two other patrol vehicles and Corran's gray car.

"_Excuse me_?" Corran asked over the ISD band. "_Why are we heading back in the direction we just came from_?"

"Daddy says the Force is telling him we missed our turn," Luke replied.

"_I see_." Corran paused for a long moment. "_Why didn't the Force tell him this earlier_?"

"It likes to play mind-games," Luke said. "The Force has a weird sense of humor." Junior giggled and turned off the speaker.

"Why did you tell that CorSec Officer the Force has a sense of humor?" Vader asked. "The Force does not find things funny. The Force is a cruel and evil master. It asks for everything, and twists its gifts to suit its own desires."

Luke thought about that for a bit. "So, for all intense porpoises, the Force is a bad thing?"

"Intense…?" Vader realized what his son really meant. "INTENTS AND PURPOSES! INTENTS AND PURPOSES!" Vader shouted at the top of his lungs. "Why are you such a dunderhead?"

Junior twisted his helmet to peer at his shoulder. "I do not have dunder on my head."

Vader sighed and gave up.


	6. Chapter 6

Six

Han nodded in satisfaction as he helped Chewie hoist the last crate of ale into the hover-truck. "That's the last of it." He glanced at his wrist chrono. "Almost on schedule, too."

Leia looked imploring toward the old man who was standing on his rickety porch, waving. "I hate leaving him here all alone. Maybe we should take him with us?"

"No!" Han shouted in horror. "We've already picked up enough extra baggage on this trip."

"I don't appreciate being called 'baggage,'" Leia snapped out. "At least I'm not a scruffy looking pirate with more ego than brains!"

"I've got plenty of brains, Sister," Han shot back. "Although I've got to admit, stopping to pick you up wasn't the smartest thing I've done lately."

Threepio raised his hand. "I feel that Artoo and I have been earning our keep, if I do say so myself. Manual labor is generally not my forte."

The old Jedi suddenly hurried over to the group. "I sense a coming storm. You'd better leave, and take the back road route until you get completely around to the far side of the lake. You'll see a brick hotel, and turn to the right. That road will take you up a hill and down a hill and up another hill, and when you see a big old brown kow named Hownow standing by the intersection, turn left. Then go about five more klicks and turn left, which will take you right back to the main highway."

"Did you get all that?" Han questioned Chewie, who just shrugged.

Threepio peered up at the sky. "Storm? I don't see any clouds at all, and Artoo has a built-in nav-barometer, which he says is not indicating any change in the weather."

"That's not the type of storm I'm talking about," Obi-Wan told the droid.

*A kow?* Chewie woofed out. *How do you know a brown kow will be standing right in that exact spot when we need to see it?*

"Where else would Hownow the brown kow be standing?" Obi-Wan asked, looking puzzled. "It's not like it has anywhere else it needs to go." He turned to Leia and Han. "I must stay here and face my old student. It will give you the time you need to get safely away."

Leia put her fingers up to her mouth as the implication of the old Jedi confronting the Sith occurred to her. "General Kenobi! Will Darth Vader…?"

"Yes," Obi-Wan said grimly as he watched Chewie push the two droids into the cab and climb inside. "He'll be wanting to taste some of my famous ale, and I won't have a drop left to give him. That won't make him a very happy Sith."

The Princess threw her arms around Obi-Wan and gave him a hug. "It sure was nice meeting you, even if you've shattered my illusion of belonging to a normal family, and I'll undoubtedly have to undergo years of psycho-therapy to regain the slightest hope of personal inner peace and happiness."

"You're very welcome," Obi-Wan said. "Now, run along and let me deal with your father and sibling. And always remember to keep walking on the sunny side of the street, because that way you'll avoid the dark side."

"Are you talking about shade, or the Force?"

"Either one, either one," Obi-Wan said wisely.

Han jumped into the flashy hover-car and yelled over, "Hurry up, Princess, or you'll be walking home."

"Ohhh, I hate that man," Leia muttered, glaring in Han's direction as he revved up the engine.

"Love and hate are often confused," Obi-Wan said with a smile. "The Force is telling me you'd like to boom shagalaga with Captain Solo."

"General!" Leia shouted, mortified, her eyes flicking back to the car and hoping Han hadn't over-heard that last comment. "He's the last man in the galaxy I'd… I'd…"

"You mean you'd rather boom with Luke?" he asked, rather surprised.

"No!"

"Palpatine?" Obi-Wan suggested in horror.

"No!"

"Me?" he inquired hopefully.

"NO! Never mind. I guess I was wrong. He's _not_ the last man in the galaxy I'd… I'd…," Leia yelled as she ran toward the waiting hover-car. "Good-bye, General! May the Force be with you!"

The hover-car sped away, hurrying to catch up with Chewie's truck.

Obi-Wan sniffed as he watched them leave. "Fine. Be that way, then."

* * *

Lord Vader turned on his signal indicator so the three vehicles behind him could see where he was heading. As soon as they were zooming along the narrow road, Vader shuddered. "There is a presence here that I have not felt in a long time."

"I'd like to be able to do that. Just look at a wrapped box, and without even shaking it, know exactly what's inside. If it's something lame, like socks, I could Force-choke the giver before I even open it. Can you teach me to sense presents, Daddy?"

Vader's fingers tightened around the steering wheel until the dura-plasteel cracked. "Yes, Luke. I will teach you how to sense presents. That will be a useful skill as a Sith."

"Wiz."

"In the meantime," Vader hissed out, "I do believe my old Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, is located up ahead. It is all his fault you were hidden from me as a child, and now he will pay, pay… PAY!"

"How much are you going to charge him, Daddy?"

Vader did not say aloud, but he did think the traitorous thought, _I'm going to leave Luke with him. That would certainly be the ultimate payback. _"I haven't decided yet."

They pulled up to the falling down house, and Vader jumped out of the hover-car. "Show yourself, old man!" he roared toward the hut.

In the meantime, Corran walked up, looking around the dumpy grounds. "I see lots of footprints, including a Wookiee. They've certainly been here, but once again, we've missed them. We should get going. Maybe they're not too far ahead."

Luke knelt down to look closer at the footprints. "Here's a dainty footprint. I'll bet anything that's Leia. I see a couple of droid prints, too." He grinned up at Corran. "See? I'd be good at working for CorSec, huh?"

"Sure," Corran replied cautiously.

The front door creaked open, and an old man stepped out holding a silver tube. "It's been a long time, Little Ani."

"Do not call me by that name," the Sith demanded, pulling out his own lightsaber.

"Hey," Luke said, pointing at the old Jedi. "Didn't you used to follow me around back when I was little and lived on Tatooine? That really creeped me out. I remember telling Aunt Beru about you, and she told me to ignore you, but Uncle Owen encouraged me to throw rocks at you if you got too close. Do you remember that stink bomb someone tossed inside your cave? That was me!"

Obi-Wan wagged his finger at Luke. "That was a very naughty thing to do. Something Ani would have done, for sure." He looked back at Vader. "You must be so proud of your son."

"Where is she?" Vader hissed out.

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"Princess Leia," Vader clarified. "My future daughter-in-law."

"Only part of that statement is correct," Obi-Wan declared. "And I'm not going to tell you which part, either. You'll have to figure it out for yourself."

"You speak in riddles, old man. Your powers have grown weak, and now I will show you the true power of the dark side!"

Obi-Wan turned on his lightsaber, and nimbly jumped off the porch. "I always knew we'd duel to the death, Ani."

"Have you ever seen a lightsaber fight?" Luke whispered out of the side of his mouth to Corran. "It's totally wiz. Just stay out of the way, or you might lose a branch, or something even more important."

"A branch?" Corran questioned, confused.

"HE MEANS A LIMB!" Vader yelled without looking back at the two younger men.

"You should know about losing limbs, Ani," Obi-Wan taunted. "I pruned you up real good back on Mustafar."

"That's it!" Vader roared in disgust as his red blade hummed to life. "This is the very last time you will ever call me that girly name again!" Vader flipped over the Jedi, and disappeared as he ran behind the house.

The Jedi appeared startled, then yelled, "Not that! Anything but that!" as he rushed to follow his old nemesis.

"Did Daddy just run away?" Luke asked in shock.

"Come on, let's see where they went," Corran said.

Both younger men hurried behind the home, just in time to see Vader slashing madly at a wide array of dura-steel buckets and curving pipes with his lightsaber, while Obi-Wan Kenobi was on his knees, sobbing his heart out.

"My stills! He's ruining my stills! I'll never be able to afford to replace all that equipment, and what will I have to drink with my meals?" He gave another loud wail. "Darth Vader is so… so EVIL! It's not a wonder he almost married off his daughter to his son!"

Vader turned away from his carnage to regard the old man. "What did you say?"

"Nothing, never mind," Obi-Wan sniffed out, waving his hand toward the Sith. "I didn't say a word."

"Do you honestly believe your mind games will work on me?" Vader sneered. "The Princess is my long-lost off-spring! Your failure is complete, old man."

"Yucky, yucky, yucky," Luke said, leaning over and making loud retching sounds. "I told you I didn't want to marry her, Daddy! I'm feeling faint." He turned to Corran. "You don't happen to have smelling salts on you, do you?"

"Uh, no," Corran said, wondering how the little Sith would be able to use smelling salts while wearing a helmet.

Vader signaled for Luke and Corran to follow him as he headed back to the hover-cars. "Now I have even more reasons for catching the Princess. She's my child! Perhaps I can turn her to the dark side."

"That's not fair," Luke bitterly complained as he followed his father. "I liked being an only child. Now I suppose you'll like her better than you do me." When Vader didn't respond, Luke tugged on his cape. "Daddy? Does this mean I'll have to share all those presents with Leia? I was sort of looking forward to opening them all by myself, and she's the one that ran off."

"You can open the presents by yourself," Vader told his son.

"If someone gives me socks, can I Force-choke them?"

"Who would give someone socks for a wedding present?" Vader questioned.

"But _if_ they do, _then _can I Force-choke them?"

"That would be greatly appreciated, I'm sure," Vader replied.

"I love weddings," Luke declared. "In fact, I can't wait until my next one."


	7. Chapter 7

Seven

"Perhaps we still have time to cut them off at the pass," Vader told Corran as he climbed back into his hover-car.

The CorSec officer shook his head, and pointed straight ahead, not the way they'd come up to the old Jedi's home. "When they left, they headed in that direction."

"How can you tell?" Junior asked eagerly.

"Do you see those fresh leaves on the ground?" Corran asked, pointing at the trail. "That shows me that a large hover-truck headed in this direction, and it knocked some of the lower hanging leaves off their branches."

"You are simply _amazing_!" Luke gushed. "Isn't he amazing, Daddy? That's why I want to be a CorSec officer. Then I could amaze myself, too."

"That shouldn't be too difficult," Vader muttered under this breath as he turned to Corran. "The security officers will return in the direction we just came from, and set up a road block on the main highway. We will attempt to catch them on these back roads."

"Can I drive this time, Daddy?" Luke asked, jumping up and down on his toes. "Please?"

"No," Vader rumbled. "You never keep your eyes on the road, and you're too easily distracted."

"But I'll be better this time," Luke said, entwining his gloved fingers. "How can I ever get better at something if you don't let me practice?"

"Fine," Vader relented as he shifted over to the passenger seat. "But you will obey my instructions precisely. And keep your eyes on the road, and your hands on the steering wheel."

"Great!" Luke yelled happily as he jumped in the driver's seat. "Try to keep up, Corran."

Corran wasn't too certain this was a great idea, but he knew better than to argue with a Sith Lord. Governor Tarkin wouldn't be very happy if he messed up his assignment, and it wasn't likely he'd be able to point a finger at Darth Vader as the reason for his failure.

* * *

Bespin

Lobot knocked softly on Lando Calrissian's office door, and was immediately granted access to the luxurious space. Lobot entered, bowing his head slightly, and handing a disk to the Baron.

"What's this?" Lando questioned, feeling rather harried with running Cloud City as well as all the upcoming wedding plans. He would rather have hoped that his fiancée would have taken on at least half the responsibilities, but to his surprise, she waved off the decisions, claiming it gave her a headache. Lando was finding out that Honey Ba'her had a lot of physical maladies, which seemed to crop up at extremely convenient times. It was a good thing she was so darn good-looking, or he might be having second thoughts about marrying her by now.

Lobot indicated that Lando should put the disk into the computer, so the former gambler complied with the request. A series of numbers came on the screen, and Lando frowned.  
"I wish I could talk computer language like you do, Lobot, but…"

"Miss Ba'her has been secretly contacting Coruscant," Lobot managed to say. Human speech was not the way he preferred to communicate.

Lando scratched his chin in contemplation. "Maybe she's making reservations for our honeymoon. She did promise to surprise me after the wedding." He noticed that Lobot only shook his head in disagreement, so he studied the computer again. "Wait a second! If I'm reading this right, this transmission went directly to Imperial City. I'm not sure I'd enjoy a honeymoon surrounded by stormtroopers."

"Look again," Lobot prodded desperately.

"I wish you'd just come out and…." Lando stopped talking as the code suddenly made sense. "This isn't just going to Imperial City… this is being transmitted to the Imperial Palace!"

Lobot nodded eagerly. "The Palace!"

"But why would she be sending a message to the Palace? Who would she be contacting?" Lando mused worriedly. "Can you decode what was said?"

"No. Too heavily encoded."

"Well, this makes no sense at all," Lando stated. "I'll have to ask Honey myself what's going on."

"That would seem wise," Lobot said as he walked away.

* * *

Tranzam

*_Han?_* Chewie yelled into the comlink. *_According to Threepio, we've followed Obi-Wan's directions exactly. But I still don't see a brown kow. How will I know which road to turn left at without seeing that kriffing brown kow_?*

"Don't ask me," Han replied, glancing over at the strangely quiet Princess. "Just keep looking, pal. It's gotta turn up somewhere." He then addressed Leia. "What did the old geezer say to you right before we left?"

"Nothing."

"He must have," Han insisted. "You've been upset since you got back into the car."

Leia turned her icy glare at the Corellian. "Maybe, just maybe, I'm upset because I've found out Vader is my father! And Junior is my twin! Do you think that _might_ be a possibility?"

"Yeah, it could. But I'm thinking it's probably got more to do about me."

"What makes you think the galaxy revolves around you?!"

"Last time I checked, it did," Han responded blithely.

"I have never, in all my days, met a more egotistical, self-centered, braggart than you are," Leia huffed back. "It amazes me your head doesn't explode from how much hot-air is trapped inside."

"Give me half a chance, and I could make your head explode, sweetheart," Han returned smoothly.

Leia was trying to formulate a reply when Chewie's voice came barking over the comlink again.

*_HAN! Do you see what I see_?*

"You're sort of blocking my view, pal," Han said, squinting to see up ahead.

*_It's a twenty-foot high, plasteel kow with advertising written on the side_!*

Threepio's voice came over the speaker as he read the advertising, "_'Attention Kowpokes! If you need your field to sow, Contact us now! Hownow, the Plow Folks_!' That does not rhyme very well, and I strongly suspect they did not employ a professional advertising agency in creating this odd looking creature. It's not even anatomically correct, since a kow is a female, and a female does not have male parts, as this representation seems to have."

*_Should I turn left_?* Chewie asked.

"No," Han said dryly. "We should keep looking for another brown kow with the name Hownow written on its side. Of COURSE we should turn left!"

*_Well, you don't have to get snippy about it_,* Chewie complained as he swung the hover-truck left. *_I'm hearing some noise on the ISD about a road block being formed on the main highway_.*

Han's face broke into a huge grin. "That's the best news I've heard all day."

"Are you crazy?" Leia asked, eyes wide. "Never mind. I shouldn't ask the obvious."

"As soon as we're back on the main highway, let me take the lead," Han told his partner. "I'll have that road block cleared away for you in no time."

*_It's all yours_,* Chewie barked back.

* * *

Darth Vader gave his son exact directions, and the boy actually seemed to be doing rather well. For a while, he was a bit worried about ending up in the lake, which was directly next to the road, since the hover-cars were speeding perilously close to the water's edge. They left the lake safely behind them, and were making good time. Vader could sense through the Force that his daughter was getting ever closer.

Up and down several hills they went. Vader briefly shut his eyes to concentrate on Leia's Force-presence, and decipher her direction. A moment later, he heard the squeal of brakes, and the high-pitched scream of his son. When he opened his eyes, he was sailing over the back of a very large, plasteel kow, and then the Dark Lord of the Sith thudded into the soft dirt, flat on his back.

"What… just… happened?" Vader mumbled, trying to catch his breath. He sat up, his head spinning.

"Daddy? Are you okay?" a worried voice came from the opposite side of the fake kow.

Vader staggered to his feet. "I am fine! What in the Sith Hells happened?" He stalked around the large object, and saw that Corran was already out of his own car, and was helping Luke stand up. The Sith's hover-car's front end was smashed beyond repair, and the entire craft was tightly wedged between the kow's back legs.

"Did you take your eyes off the road?" Vader demanded, furious. "I TOLD you not to take your eyes off the road! Is that such a difficult task?"

Luke cast his gaze downward. "It was just for a second. I couldn't help it."

Vader repressed the urge to stomp up and down in impotent fury. "Why? What did you possibly see that you couldn't help taking your eyes off the road?"

Timidly, Luke pointed up at the kow's underside. "I've never seen them that big. Have you?"


	8. Chapter 8

Eight

Bespin

"Dear?" Lando whispered into Honey's darkened apartment. "Are you awake?"

"What do you want?" a sharp retort came from directly behind him.

Lando jumped, and turned to face his future bride. "I was wondering if I could talk to you?"

Honey pushed past the Baron, and turned on an overhead light, causing her beautiful red-gold hair to shimmer in the brightness. "What about? I'm busy."

He briefly wondered what could cause her to be so busy all the time. It wasn't like she had a job, or even a hobby. "I spoke to Lobot a little while ago, and he brought something odd to my attention. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation -."

"Lobot?" Honey cried out, her eyes flashing in rage. "That mutant hates me! What's he saying?"

Lando shifted nervously. He didn't like making Honey angry, and there were times when she was so furious it seemed as though she wanted to kill him. "He noticed that a message from your quarters was being sent to Coruscant."

"I have friends on Coruscant!" Honey said defensively. "You told me I could invite my friends to our wedding. Have you changed your mind?"

"No, no," Lando said, trying to calm her down. "But …"

"But, what?"

"The signal was being sent directly to the Imperial Palace," Lando said. "That seems a bit, um, odd. Don't you think, Honey-bear?"

"Don't call me that!" Honey shouted, shaking her fist at her fiancé. "Lobot is lying! He's altering the number codes because he doesn't want you to marry me."

"Lobot is very loyal, and I'm positive he wouldn't -. "

"Who do you believe?" Honey interrupted hotly. "An employee or your fiancée?"

The Baron suddenly realized he believed Lobot, and this revelation didn't make him happy. "I'll ask Lobot to double check the numbers."

To his surprise, Honey burst into tears, and threw herself into his arms. "Oh, Lando! I didn't want to tell you this. But it's true, I was sending a coded message to the Palace."

Lando felt totally off-balance by Honey's wild mood-swings. "Why?"

"Well, my … my sister works in the palace. She's…. she's …" Honey started bawling loudly.

"A short order cook?" he joked weakly.

Honey looked up, her expression dark. It was obvious she didn't find Lando's comment amusing, and Lando backed away, suddenly afraid for his very life. "She's one of the Emperor's pleasure girls," Honey stated flatly. "I didn't want to tell you."

"I see," Lando said. "That's understandable, then. Is she coming to our wedding?"

"If she's not working that night."

"What about the fact that your people of Phishipphosphate believe that a physical relationship starts on the wedding night, and not a moment sooner?"

"My sister is a heathen," Honey declared. "My poor mother and father have disowned her, but I still try to maintain my sisterly kinship with her. Is that such a bad thing?"

"Of course not," Lando said soothingly. "I'm just glad to know there was a reasonable explanation."

"There will always be a reasonable explanation for anything I do," Honey promised her future husband with a evil glint in her green eyes.

* * *

Tranzam

The four stormtroopers had hurriedly set up a small force-field device on either side of the highway. When activated, it would be able to stop even a large hover-truck. The stormtrooper captain held up macro-binoculars to his eyes, and inspected the oncoming traffic, watching for the notorious bandit that had kidnapped the helpless Princess from under Lord Vader's very metal breathing hole.

Then he saw the black hover-car. It was coming toward them at a very high rate of speed.

"Quick, men! Activate the shield!" the captain ordered. "He will not get past our highly advanced road block."

As the black car approached, the stormtroopers tensed, waiting to ensnare their prey. Then it suddenly braked and veered sharply, coming to a complete sideways stop, less than twenty feet in front of the force-field.

The driver of the car turned his head to look at the stormtroopers. "Hey, boys! You lookin' for someone?" the Corellian called out, giving them a cocky grin.

"You are under arrest! Surrender immediately, and we will hold our fire."

"Arrest?" the Corellian spluttered out indignantly. "For what?"

"Kidnapping!"

"Who, exactly, did I kidnap?"

"Her!" the stormtrooper yelled, pointing at Leia.

At this point, Leia had hoisted herself partway up in her seat. "You'd better not be shooting at Solo, or you might hit me. That won't make Lord Vader any too happy."

"Both of you, get out of the vehicle," the stormtrooper ordered sharply.

"If you want me, come and get me," Solo taunted, as he pressed down on the accelerator, slamming the Princess back against her seat. The hover-car shot off, back the direction it had come.

The stunned stormtroopers held their fire, knowing the Princess was correct – they had better not do anything to endanger the young woman.

"What are you waiting for?" the leader called out angrily. "Get in your hover-cars and follow them!"

The road block was quickly turned off, and the four men rushed into their two vehicles, racing to catch up with the insane Corellian. They never even noticed the black hover-truck with the herd of nerfs painted on the side as it roared past them, going the opposite direction.

* * *

"That _was_ fun!" Leia shouted over the wind. She craned her neck to look back. "They're following us."

"Of course they are," Han agreed. "It's their job. Now our job will be to lose them, and allow Chewie time to get the ale loaded into the _Falcon_."

"I wonder where Vader and Junior are. Maybe Obi-Wan took care of them for us."

Han looked over at the Princess, his face skeptical. "If you believe that, I have a water park to sell you on Tatooine."

It didn't seem likely to Leia that Obi-Wan had defeated Lord Vader, either. But that only made her concerned about where the Sith would eventually turn up. "How do we lose the stormtroopers?"

"I never thought you'd ask," Han crowed gleefully. He pressed the control panel of the small, onboard computer screen. "Can you see a turn-off anywhere? Preferably one that loops us back to where we want to go."

Leia leaned forward, inspecting the various lines that indicated roads on the glowing panel. "Less than a klick ahead. Take a right turn."

"You sure about that?"

"I can read a map," she returned, irritated.

"Just askin'," Han said, shaking his head. "You sure do have a short temper. That probably goes along with being short in general, huh?"

"I am _not_ short!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Princess," Han replied, turning to the right. Glancing back in the rearview mirror, he could see the two security vehicles were still on his tail, and he pressed his speed even faster.

"I hope you know what you're doing," Leia said, her fingers digging into the dashboard.

"That makes two of us."

"That sounds so reassuring. Keep your eyes on the road, please."

"Sure," Han said. He concentrated on the narrow winding road, and the sounds of the following sirens seemed to be fading as the stormtroopers could not keep pace with the reckless Corellian. "See? I told you I could lose them…." He stopped speaking, his eyes growing wide with shock. A moment later, he slammed on the brakes, stopping the hover-car a few short feet in front of a gaping drop-off where a bridge once stood. "That's just great," Han muttered in disgust. "The sides of this ravine are way too steep for the repulsors to carry a hover-car safely down. Why didn't you notice on the holo-map the bridge was out?"

Leia waved at the panel. "It's not my fault! The stupid computer didn't tell me that!" She looked worriedly at the deep ravine, and then turned to listen to the approaching sirens. "I guess this is it, Solo. It was fun while it lasted."

"This is it?" Han repeated. "You're not thinking about surrendering, are you?"

"What else can we do?"

"Watch this," Han said as his jaw tightened. He swung the hover-car, and headed back up the road.

"This road is too narrow," Leia pointed out. "We'll never get past them."

"Who said anything about getting past them?" Han asked, jerking the steering wheel. The car's engine protested as it spun back around facing the ravine, and came to a complete stop.

"What are you thinking about doing?" Leia asked, swallowing hard as her throat suddenly became dry.

Han revved the engine, and his face took on a maniacal expression. "You ever heard of that stunt guy named Vile Vainvyle?"

"Uh, yes. But he didn't he die doing a crazy stunt?

Han looked over at the Princess just as the security vehicles came into sight. "He wasn't a Corellian," Han pointed out, wagging his eyebrows. Then he pressed the accelerator down to the floorboard.

* * *

Corran wished he'd been able to see into the future. Then he would have rented a hover-car with a backseat, and wouldn't be in his current predicament, which was smashed in between two crazy Siths. He pushed aside Junior's long cape, which kept slapping him across his face and obscuring his view of the road.

Vader had insisted on driving, and Junior insisted on a 'window seat' because he needed fresh air, and who was Corran to argue? Never mind that it was impossible to actually breath 'fresh air' while wearing that helmet. Never mind that the hover-car was actually his, and he should be the one driving. Never mind that he had direct orders from Tarkin to follow Solo while not being noticed.

Of course, if he'd been truly able to see into the future, he would have never joined CorSec in the first place. He'd be living the life of a farmer, far away from the Imperial Regions, never having heard of Han Solo or Darth Vader.

"Daddy?"

"What?" Vader snarled. He wasn't too interested in anything his son had to say at the moment.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes."

"I didn't mean to smoosh up the hover-car. Accidents can happen, you know."

"Especially to you."

Luke sat back in his seat, and folded his arms across his chest. "I need to use a refresher."

"NOW?" Vader roared in disbelief. "We are in the middle of nowhere! Do you see a refresher anywhere?"

"Maybe he can just use a bush," Corran suggested softly.

"Uh, uh," Luke replied firmly, shaking his head. "I'm not going out in the woods. Snakes live in the woods."

"Junior is deathly afraid of snakes," Vader explained tiredly. "And spiders and frogs. And dust bunnies. You name it, he's probably afraid of it."

"Dust bunnies are right at the top on the list," Luke told Corran. "I'm pretty sure it's because I spent ten years on Tatooine, and there was a _lot _of dust on Tatooine. I would lie awake at night and worry that those dust bunnies would sneak up from under my bed and strangle me in my sleep. Did you ever worry about that, Corran?"

"Um, not that I can recall," Corran said, then dared to ask, "Why are you afraid of spiders and snakes and frogs?"

"Well, those are just creepy," Luke stated. "Everybody's afraid of creepy-crawlers. Right, Daddy?"

"Yes, Luke. Sith are terrified of creepy-crawlers," Vader agreed sarcastically.

Corran wondered how badly it would hurt if he jumped out of the hover-car when it was still moving.


	9. Chapter 9

Nine

Leia could only stare in abject horror as Han raced the hover-car directly toward the gaping hole. A mere second before the ravine edge, Han pulled down on a lever, and hit the turbo-charged engines. The souped-up hover-car shot up into the air, propelled forward by its high speed. Then, seemingly in slow motion, the black and gold car sailed over the ravine in a high arc.

"Yea haw!" Han shouted, fighting for control as the repulsors fought to keep the hover-car from hitting the ground on the opposite side of the ditch. The hover-car bucked and protested, finally coming to a safe stop.

"One of these days, you're going to be wrong about something," Leia finally managed to squeak out. "I just hope I'm around to see it."

Han twisted around to see if the two security cars would follow his example. The lead car's pilot, unaware until the last moment of the missing bridge, attempted to duplicate Han's jump, but didn't have the time to pick up enough momentum. That craft managed to make it halfway before nose-diving down, and crashing into the muddy stream below. The second security car's driver decided against trying to leap the gorge, instead slamming on the vehicle's brakes. He managed to stop the hover-car, but the front half ended up hanging over the edge of the ravine, and the car precariously teeter-tottered as its repulsors cut off. After several slow and careful attempts to restart the hover-car, the driver finally succeeded. As the repulsors came back on, he gunned the engines in reverse. The hover-car's repulsors shot the car backwards at a high rate of speed, which then rapidly came to a crashing stop against a tree.

"That takes care of half of our pursuers," Han said happily as he quickly headed down the road.

"Han?"

"Yeah?"

"I may need to use a refresher," Leia said, leaning back against the headrest and shutting her eyes.

"As soon as we're back on the main highway, we'll find a rest-stop," Han promised, patting the dashboard lovingly. "_Firebird_ could use a bit of a recharging after that, too."

* * *

Darth Vader was grateful when a dingy, but large rest-stop came into sight. He pulled up into a recharging spot, and watched as his son rushed into the building which proudly advertised 'Clean Refreshers and Home-Cooking!' in flashing green neon.

"I could use a cup of kaffe," Corran mumbled as he stood up, stretching his stiff back. "And I'll recharge the hover-car, too."

"You do that," Vader replied. "I require using these primitive facilities, as well. The owner of this dubious establishment had better be correct about his advertisement, or I may feel the need to demonstrate my displeasure at the misinformation."

Corran went up to the food counter, and paid credits for a cup of brown mud. He then watched as Junior exited the refresher and headed directly over to an ancient holo-game that was situated in a corner. The holo-game was called 'Asteroids', and Luke promptly placed cred-coins in the slot and perched himself on a stool in front of the large screen. Not wishing to get involved with another argument between the two Siths, Corran hurried outside to recharge his hover-car. With his back to the building, he never noticed a black and gold hover-car pulling up on the opposite side of the diner.

* * *

Han jumped out of the hover-car, waving toward the building. "You go use the refresher. I'll be inside in a minute."

"Fine," Leia agreed, rushing into the greasy smelling restaurant, intent on her destination.

After giving his hover-car a quick charge, Han strolled into the building and hoisted himself up onto a stool at the food counter. There were currently only two other customers sitting at the food counter, and neither one was human.

"Cup of kaffe," he told the server droid, tossing some cred-coins on the sticky counter. A moment later, a tall, masked being dressed completely in black exited the men's refresher unit, with a long white streamer of toilet flimsy stuck into the side of his utility belt. Han felt his pulse rate increase at the unexpected appearance of Darth Vader, and forced himself to appear nonchalant as he sipped his kaffe. To his concern, the Sith stopped at the counter just as Leia was leaving the women's refresher. From a distance, he could see her stunned expression, and Han knew he needed to distract the Sith to give the Princess time to escape the building.

"Have you seen someone that's dressed like me, only shorter?" the Sith questioned Han.

Han turned to gaze upward at the scary-looking being, realizing the Sith had no idea who he was. "Does he have toilet flimsy stuck to his pants, too?"

Vader gave a start, and glanced down. Then he quickly tugged the flimsy from his belt and tossed it aside. "You should try using a two foot space, while wearing a helmet and gloves. It's not easy."

"I imagine it's not," Han agreed easily as Leia eased her way toward the door. "But to answer your question… no, I haven't seen a mini version of you hanging around."

"You are impertinent," Vader rumbled.

"I've been called worse things," Han said, keeping his tone light. "Can I buy you a cup of kaffe?"

"I do not drink kaffe. It rots the gut."

"I see," Han mused thoughtfully. "How about some cold juice, then?"

"Juice is for infants."

"Water?"

Vader slammed his fist down on the counter, rattling the cups and dishes. "I do not drink! Anything!"

Han held up his hands, easing off the stool and backing away. "How was I to know you have an aversion to beverages? Honest mistake, pal. Have a nice day."

Rushing out of the door, he saw Leia driving the hover-car in his direction. Han wasted no time in jumping into the passenger seat. As they sped away, Leia glanced back in the mirror. "Who's that guy yelling at us to stop?"

"I might've forgotten to pay the re-charging bill," Han remarked.

* * *

Corran rushed back into the building. "Lord Vader! The man that just ran out of here? That was Han Solo!"

Vader decided it might not be good for his reputation to mention he had been actually speaking to the same man only seconds ago. "Was the Princess still with him?"

"Yes, she was driving the hover-car!"

"So that was Solo," Vader muttered. "I should have known …worthless scum-bum."

"They're only a few klicks ahead of us," Corran said urgently. "Now is our chance to finally catch them."

"Where is Junior?" Vader asked, looking around in irritation. "That boy needs to be kept on a leash."

"He's over there," Corran said, pointing to the far wall where Luke sat, intently playing his game.

Both men hurried over, and Vader shook his son's shoulder none too gently. "Luke, the Princess was here only moments ago."

"That's nice," Luke replied, his eyes never leaving the game. "This is a really cool game. You have to maneuver through an asteroid field while escaping from TIE fighters. And there's a space slug that keeps popping up unexpectedly, too. Shoot that, and it's three thousand points. I'm already up to ten thousand points."

"We do not have time for this," Vader ground out. "We must hurry. Now"

"Okay. In a minute," Luke said as he kept his focus on the screen. "I'm almost up to the 'expert' level, and then the points double."

"Luke," Vader warned. "I said now, and I mean now. Not in another minute."

"Yeah, yeah," Luke said, shrugging off his father's gloved hand, while not breaking his concentration.

Vader knew he had to take drastic measures. Drawing out his lightsaber, he ignited the blade and promptly cleaved the game console into two sections. The unit sizzled and sparked before crashing down to the floor with a loud noise.

"HEY!" the diner's proprietor called out in outrage from behind the food counter. "What'cha do that for? That game was a classic!"

Vader spun around to face the man, holding up his gloved fist. The owner grasped at his neck, and his face turned red. "I am having an issue with this game," Vader said. "It wasn't working correctly, so I fixed it. Do you have a problem with that?"

"N…no," the man gasped, his eyes bulging. The other patrons inside the restaurant turned away from the scene, suddenly deciding not to become involved.

Vader released the man from his dark side strangulation. "That is a good answer. Pray I do not find other objects in this tasteless establishment as offensive as that holo-game."

"I could've had the top score!" Luke yelled indignantly. "You're mean. Mean, mean, mean. I hate you, Daddy!" The smaller Sith rushed out of the building.

"Luke…wait!" Vader called out, hurrying after his son. "Don't say things you can't take back!"

Corran coughed nervously, and turned to the sputtering manager, who was on his knees, still holding his sore neck. "Sorry about the mess," he said, tossing some credits on the nearest table.


	10. Chapter 10

Ten

"You drive pretty good for a girl," Han commented as they sped along on the highway.

Leia gave the Corellian a vexed look. "Pretty good for a girl? I'll have you know I'm all woman, Solo."

"I've noticed."

The Princess blushed, then changed the subject. "Thanks for distracting Vader while I got away. That was very brave of you."

"Now that I've met the guy, I can't blame you for being upset that you're related to him," Han said, fiddling with his comlink. "Furball? Can you hear me?"

A few seconds later, the Wookiee's voice came back, *_I can hear you loud and clear, Outlaw. What's your ten-twenty_?*

"What did he say?" Leia questioned, wishing she understood Shyriiwook.

"He's asking us about our location," Han replied, then addressed Chewie, "Twenty-nine klicks east of the big puke'n park. What's your ten-twenty?"

*_I should be at the Home Twenty in less than two time-parts, and then I'll have the Tin Man and the Metal Can help me unload the happy juice_.*

Han was pleased with the progress Chewie was making. "I should catch up with you on the short-short."

"Huh?" Leia said, frowning in confusion. "Are you speaking Basic?"

"The big puke'n park was that rest-stop, and short-short means a short amount of time," Han explained in amusement.

*_I've been doing some sand-bagging on the ISD_,* Chewie woofed. *_According to the chatter, the Grim Reaper is on your tail._*

"Copy that," Han said to Chewie. "Do you think your back door friends could form a gear-jammer once we blow past?"

*_I'll get on the spinner and ask them_,* Chewie replied. *_Furball out_.*

"Translation, please," Leia said, sounding miffed.

"Your father – that's the Grim Reaper – is close behind us," Han explained patiently. "I asked Chewie to use the ISD and see if the other hover-trucks will form a barrier, like a moving road block, once we get in front of them. That should slow Vader's hover-car down. Oh, and Chewie's handle is 'Furball'."

"I see. And what does Chewie call you?"

"Oh, he has all sorts of names he calls me," Han said with a laugh. "It depends on how upset he is."

"I can imagine," Leia agreed. "But I was talking about your handle."

"Outlaw."

"That suits you," Leia said, then after a pause added, "We probably should switch seats, don't you think?"

Han grinned. "Thought you'd never ask. Pull yourself up, and I'll scoot under. Then you can wiggle over to this side."

"You want us to change while we're moving?" Leia asked incredulously.

"We can't stop now, Sweetheart," Han replied. "Your family's way too close for comfort."

"I'd appreciate it if you would stop referring to those freaks as my family," Leia stated. "My _real _family is back on Alderaan, safe and sound." Her eyes grew watery as she thought about her missing parent. "At least most of them are." She straightened her shoulders, and using the steering wheel, hoisted her back end off the seat.

Han wiggled one leg over, and carefully shifted his hips to the driver's seat, wincing as the gear shift column jabbed him in a particularly sensitive spot. He put his hands on Leia's waist, and pulled her down on his lap. "This is all so sudden, Sweetheart."

"Get your hands off of me," Leia snapped, trying to move to the passenger seat.

"Don't get excited."

Leia pushed away, landing awkwardly as she avoided the shifter. "Being held by you isn't enough to get me excited, Captain," she said haughtily.

Han spared a second to leer at the Princess. "Sorry, I don't have time for anything else."

Trying to look furious, Leia folded her arms across her chest and stared out of the window. She managed with some effort to keep a smile from appearing on her face as she thought, _Maybe later…_

* * *

Bespin

Lando's hand was shaking as he read the hastily scrawled, yet oddly detailed note.

_Lando. I have come to the inescapable conclusion that you no longer trust me, nor do you love me. Without your love, I have no reason to continue to live. Therefore I have decided to end my miserable life by inhaling tibanna gas, which I do believe is fatal in a way that will not mar my delicate beauty. Perhaps you can keep my lifeless body under glass, so you can gaze upon what could have been until you are old and decrepit. This final act of mine will be accomplished by inhaling tibanna gas at precisely ten in the morning, which gives you enough time so as not to spoil your breakfast. This event, which will occur at the main processing area, level twenty, room forty-one, right below the observation deck and __inside the actual freezing chamber__, will be the only method I can think of that can show you my complete devotion and spend eternity with you, on Cloud City. _

_Sincerely,_

_Honey_

Lando knew he had to get to that carbon freezing chamber, before Honey did the deed. He rushed down the turbo-lift to level twenty, and double checked the note before entering room forty-one.

Inside all was quiet except for the eerie hissing noise of the vents. He blinked to adjust his vision to the darkened area. "Honey?" he called out in concern. "It's only nine-thirty! Where are you?"

Heart hammering, Lando carefully made his way around the edge of the round hole in the center of the room, trying to peer down through the mist. His blood went cold as he saw a crumpled form laying on the bottom. Was he too late?

The Baron hurried down the ladder that was attached to the edge of the pit and knelt down to turn her gently over in his arms. "Hon…" He stopped speaking in stunned surprise. It wasn't a body at all, but a faceless cloth dummy dressed in Honey's wedding gown.

"I knew I could lure you into my trap. Men are so easy to fool," a cool voice spoke from over his head.

Lando dropped the dummy as he stared up into Honey's blaster, which was pointed at his head. "What's going on here?"

The red-head backed up a few feet, reaching for a lever. "You're about to find out if those rumors about humans being able to survive carbonite freezing are true."

"Why, Honey? WHY!?" Lando screamed, dropping to his knees. "I love you!"

"I know," she replied snidely as she pulled the handle and backed away from the blast of icy steam.

* * *

Tranzam

"I hate my father," Luke informed Corran, who was once again smashed between the two Siths. "Tell Daddy I hate him."

"Lord Vader, your son hates you," Corran relayed to the older Sith sitting on his left. "Don't Force-choke me, please. I'm only the messenger."

"It truly doesn't matter that you hate me, Luke," Vader told Luke, speaking over Corran's head. "Hate is of the dark side, and that is what I've been trying to teach you all these years. As long as I have your respect, that is all that matters."

"Tell Daddy I don't respect him, either. Respect is earned."

Corran sighed. "Junior says he doesn't respect you."

"When have you ever earned MY respect, Junior?" Vader asked hotly.

"Corran, tell my father I'm not speaking to him," Luke muttered, slumping down and staring out of the hover-car at the passing scenery.

"You can't not speak to me for the rest of your life," Vader rumbled at his sullen off-spring as he drove along the busy highway.

"Tell my Daddy I can't hear him," Luke told Corran.

"He says…"

"I can hear him!" Vader shouted, turning his complete attention to his son. "I'm not deaf!"

A huge hover-truck suddenly veered into their path, while a second hover-truck loomed ominously close to their rear-end, and a third roared up next to them, casting a dark shadow as it boxed them in on all three sides. "WATCH OUT!" Corran screamed.

The Sith barely had time to punch the brakes, and the gray hover-car swerved violently, side-swiping the truck next to them. "What do these fools think they are doing?" Vader roared in annoyance as the side mirror went sailing off into the distance.

"The hover-car rental company isn't going to be very happy with me," Corran groaned.

"Ha!" Luke said, sounding smug. "Tell my Daddy now he's smooshed up a hover-car, too. See how easy it is?"

"Sir?" Corran said. "Your son said - "

"I KRIFFING HEARD HIM!" Vader yelled, and with his fist he pounded the dash so hard the plasteel covering fell into Corran and Luke's laps.

Corran lifted the cover slightly from his knees, and turned to look at Luke. "I do believe he heard you."


	11. Chapter 11

Eleven

As the sun was setting on a very busy day, Chewie patted his stomach which was giving off frequent rumbles. *I need a snack.*

"Is that wise?" Threepio questioned worriedly. "I do believe that Outlaw is expecting us to slick over to the Home twenty without braking."

*He will never have to know,* Chewie barked out, waving his furry fist under the droid's chin in a threatening gesture. *Will he?*

Threepio shook his metal head. "I square with you, Furball. He must never know!" He looked down at Artoo. "Do not tell the Outlaw we are putting on the skids for a gut-stuffer, Tin Can. That's an order."

*You have been listening to the ISD for way too long,* Chewie woofed.

Artoo only gave a raspberry to Threepio.

* * *

Vader was getting quite upset at the amount of traffic boxing in their car. It seemed to be giant hover-trucks as far as he could see. "Why are all these hover-trucks moving so slowly?"

"They're going the speed limit," Corran pointed out, glancing over at Junior, who was playing with the music dial on the broken dashboard.

"My point, exactly! Since when do hover-trucks go the speed limit?"

"I wish Daddy hadn't busted up the holo-transmitter," Luke grumbled. "I wanted to listen to music."

"The stuff you listen to isn't music," Vader said. "Back in my day, now _that _was decent music." Vader tapped his gloved fingers impatiently. "I am going to get around these trucks by driving along the right side."

"That's illegal!" Corran protested.

"And your point is?"

"Nothing," Corran muttered. "Never mind."

Vader jerked the vehicle off the main road, and sped along side the rumbling hover-trucks. The hover-car raced along, and Vader gave an obscene gesture to one of the hover-truckers as they passed.

"Are you sure that was a good idea, Sir?" Corran asked worriedly.

"They will not dare to defy a Sith Lord," Vader intoned. Then a flashing holo-board along side the highway caught the Dark Lord's attention. A three dimensional little green creature with pointed ears was at the center of the holo-ad. He was stating his name was Bob, and he was busily extolling the virtues of a little red pill while surrounded by scantily clad females of various races. "Hey!" Vader shouted in startled surprise. "That's not Bob… that's Yoda!"

Luke looked up at the holo-board. "Bob is old and ugly, and look at all the girlfriends he has. Daddy, get me some of those little red pills so I can have lots and lots of girls, too."

"Watch where you're going!" Corran shouted as a large truck suddenly swerved deliberately into their path, clipping the front end of their vehicle and causing Vader to lose control. The hover-car shot toward – and then smashed directly through – the holo-board. The gray car's hood popped off as they sailed over an embankment, and Luke's long cape tore loose and fluttered away in the wind. They continued to careen wildly through a thick row of bushes, finally coming to a stop in the center of a green striped field, where a large group of young people stood in uniforms, mouths gaping open in stunned silence.

"We've smashed into a smashball game!" Luke declared, then turned his helmet toward Corran. "This car is getting way more banged up than the one I was driving, huh? Huh?"

"I'd prefer not to answer that," Corran replied. "It might be bad for my health."

"Can we stay and watch the game, Daddy?"

"No, we cannot," Vader stated. He looked over at the large group of people, now surrounding their vehicle, and addressed them, "What are you staring at?"

The group backed away nervously while Luke leapt out of the car. "I've got to find my cape."

"Get back into this vehicle, Junior," Vader ordered harshly. "We haven't got time to find your stupid cape, and it's getting dark."

"It's not stupid!" Luke shouted in defiance. "I'm finding my cape if it's the last thing I do!" With those words, he trounced off into the bushes, and disappeared from view.

Corran looked at the Sith questioningly. "Now what?"

"What do you think?" Vader hissed. "We get out and find that kriffing cape."

* * *

"We don't serve those kind in here," a burly bar-tender with one missing eye stated, waving at the droids.

"Breeboo," Artoo whistled softly.

*Wait for me outside,* Chewie woofed. *I won't be too long.*

"But, but…Furball!" Threepio protested. "This bar appears to attract dubious-looking beings. Did you see all those Garmorreans with their swoop bikes parked in the lot?"

*They won't bother you,* Chewie replied. *Too much.*

"That is not very reassuring," Threepio complained as he followed his small friend back into the evening darkness.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Leia asked as Han pulled off the highway, then drove the hover-car down a winding road.

"Just wait a minute," Han told her. In a few minutes, they were stopped at a small overlook, with a deep blue lake directly below them. The stars twinkled on, one by one, as the sky darkened, and the air was crisp and still. Only the sound of the local night insects interrupted the silence. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yes," Leia agreed. "How did you know this was here?"

Han pointed at the nav-computer. "Scenic overlook. For once, it was right."

"Aren't you worried about getting back to your ship?"

Han casually reached over and draped a long arm behind the Princess's seat. "We're making good time. 'Sides, if I get there too early, Chewie will expect me to help load the ale onto the _Falcon_."

"Scoundrel," Leia chastised with a laugh.

"Scoundrel?" Han repeated, leaning his face closer. "I like the sound of that."

"I happen to like nice men," Leia declared firmly, her heart starting to race.

"I am a nice man."

"No you're not.. you're -"

Han cut off her protest with a long, lingering kiss. When he finally pulled away, he grinned. "Well?"

"That was…nice."

"I told you so."

"You're an egomaniac, do you know that?"

"Yup," Han agreed. "Now, would you like me to keep driving?"

"Is there a second choice?" Leia questioned, smiling.

"Um, we could take a longer break. In the back seat."

"Won't that put us behind schedule?"

"I'm just like this car, Princess. Fast, but real, real good."

"I'd like to check out your specs, Solo, and see if I agree with your assessment."

* * *

Little Junior Vader decided he was lost. He hadn't located his cape, and for the past fifteen minutes, he hadn't seen anything besides brush and trees. Finally he spotted an artificial light and quickly moved in that direction. When he cleared the woods, he could see a small bar, and under the lamp post he saw a group of eight Gamorreans harassing a golden droid.

Luke sneaked closer, hiding behind a black hover-truck, and listened as the droid begged the gang not to hurt him. A moment later, a loud roar filled the air, and the Gamorreans backed away from the newcomer – a very large Wookiee, pointing a bowcaster at the group.

The Gamorreans held up their thick hands, and grumbling, headed inside the bar.

"Thank you, Furball!" the droid could be heard saying. "I thought we were doomed, for sure!"

The Wookiee made a few growling sounds, and then the droid sounded even more concerned, "They might come back? With backup? My circuits can't handle the stress!"

The Wookiee waved at the droids to hurry, and they started to get inside the cab of the hover-truck.

The Junior Sith pursed his lips in thought. He didn't know the way back to the hover-car. And besides, it would serve his father right if he disappeared. Especially after ruining that game. Without further thought, Luke used his lightsaber to open the lock on the back of the hover-truck. Inside were stacks of crates, filled with Tranzam ale. He jumped in the bed of the truck, and started to pull the back door shut. Before he could get it all the way closed, the truck rumbled to life and started to back up.

Luke's mouth dropped open in surprise as the hover-truck lowered closer to the ground, and then promptly backed over all eight swoop bikes parked in a neat row, each bike crashing loudly into the next, until they were all lying on their sides, and now in disrepair. The Gamorrean gang rushed out of the bar, grunting in shock at the sight of their ruined bikes, and waved angry fists at the hover-truck. Then the truck lifted, and moved off toward the main road.

Luke pulled the door the rest of the way shut and said, "Wiz."


	12. Chapter 12

Twelve

The hover-truck slowed and Luke could feel it coming to a stop. Tentatively, he peeked out of the back of the truck, and saw they were now parked next to a battered, saucer shaped ship and immediately thought, _What a piece of junk_! Not wanting to take a chance at getting caught, he jumped out of the truck and hurried to hide in the shadows, behind the landing struts of the ship.

* * *

"Maybe we'll find him walking along the edge of the road," Corran suggested to the seething Sith Lord as they drove along the highway. Junior's long cloak with the red "S" had been located by Corran an hour ago, and it was at that point the two men had started their fruitless and time-consuming search for the younger Sith.

"That is a good idea," Vader growled. "Lean out of the vehicle, and yell Junior's name."

Corran laughed. "Very funny, Sir."

Slowly, the Sith turned his helmet to regard the CorSec officer. "Do you truly believe that I have a sense of humor?"

"Um…no?"

"Good answer. Now you will call for Junior if you value your life."

Since Corran valued his life, he leaned out of the car and yelled loudly over the rushing wind. "JUNIOR! JUNIOR SITH! HERE, JUNIOR SITH! HERE, BOY!" Then let loose with a loud whistle for good measure.

After several long minutes of listening to Corran shout for Luke, Vader pointed to a dimly lit bar sitting off the road. A fading sign reading, 'Bucket 'o' Blood Saloon' hung crookedly by one chain. "We shall stop here, and ask the soused scum-bums inside if they have seen my wayward son."

"Good idea," Corran rasped, rubbing his sore throat. By this point, he desperately wanted to join the scum-bums and get soused, too. He pointed to the ground, where eight smashed swoop-bikes lay under a street lamp. "I wonder what happened to those bikes."

"It was probably a tornado," Vader stated authoritatively.

There hadn't been a cloud in the sky the entire day, and currently the stars were twinkling in the night sky. "But it hasn't rained today."

"Are you questioning the veracity of my statement?" Vader asked, parking the banged-up hover-car next to the pile of bikes.

"No, Lord Vader. Those rogue tornadoes can be very sneaky."

"Again, good answer." The tall Sith entered the bar with Corran tagging in his wake. Inside the bar, the scene was bizarre, to say the least. The only customers were eight leather-clad Gamorreans, sitting around tables and sobbing into their ale. Corran had never seen anything quite like it before.

"Why are they carrying on?" Vader demanded, addressing the bartender. "It's annoying me."

"Some hover-truck deliberately crashed over their swoop bikes," the bartender explained as he wiped a shot glass with a gray rag. "And not a one of them has insurance."

"Have you seen someone that looks just like me, only shorter?" Vader questioned the one-eyed man.

The bartender paused, rubbing his chin in consideration. "Let me think. Did I see someone here earlier, dressed all in black, with a helmet and gloves and boots…only he was shorter than you? No, I don't think so, but I wouldn't want to swear on my dear mother's grave. A lot a people come and go through this bar every day, and they all sort of blur together after a while."

"Don't you think a black-clad Sith Lord would stand out a bit from the rest of your clients?" Corran wondered.

Suddenly, one of the Gamorreans stood up and pointed at Vader, grunting loudly. The other seven bikers stood as well, and their faces changed from grief to anger in a second. Slowly, they surrounded Vader and Corran, pulling out heavy chains and vibro-blades.

"What did we do?" Corran asked nervously eyeing the weapons.

"They say the helmeted guy dressed in black was with the trucker that backed over their bikes," the bartender volunteered as he interpreted the grunts. He pointed to the door. "Take your fight outside. I spend too many credits replacing chairs and tables when fights break out inside."

"I will go outside when I am good and ready to go outside, and not one second before," Vader roared as he flicked on his lightsaber, and promptly severed the arms of the four closest drunken bikers. Those four dropped to their knees, howling in pain. Immediately, the uninjured Gamorreans threw down their chains and blades, and backed off fearfully.

The Sith Lord held the tip of his weapon under the chin of the Gamorrean that had spoken the accusation. "Explain how I could have left with the trucker when it is obvious that I am still here?"

A series of grunts and squeals followed, and the bartender again interpreted. "He says that someone dressed exactly like you was in the back of that black hover-truck, driven by a crazy Wookiee. The truck had a herd of nerfs painted on the side, so it was easy to recognize."

"That would be Solo's partner," Corran said excitedly. "The truck with the bootleg ale."

Vader nodded, then promptly severed the arms of the four other Gamorreans with his lightsaber. "Now I am ready to go outside," the Sith told the stunned bartender, and stalked out of the bar.

Corran shook his head at the gory scene, and tossed some credits at the quivering bartender. "Sorry about the mess," he grumbled for the second time in less than a day. Following Vader around was getting expensive.

* * *

*Where have you been?* Chewie demanded as Han's black hover-car pulled up next to the hover-truck. *The crates are almost unloaded!*

Han grinned as he jumped out of his car. "Sorry, pal. We got a bit sidetracked for a while." He walked over to help Leia out of her side, winking at her. "Right, Sweetheart?"

"Yes, we certainly did," the Princess agreed.

Chewie's eyes flicked back and forth between his partner and the young woman. *Oh, for star's above! Don't tell me you two have wasted time boom-shagalaging!*

"That's _never _a waste of time," Han protested. He patted the black hover-car fondly. "I'm going to miss Firebird. The old girl sorta grew on me."

Leia took Han's arm. "I can have my people come here and pick it up for you."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Of course, nerf-herder," Leia replied affectionately. "You can keep it on Alderaan, and we can take it out for a spin when you come visit me. You _do_ plan on visiting me, right?"

"All the time," Han whispered, leaning over and kissing her.

*YUCK!* Chewie bellowed. *Save it for later, when I don't have to watch!*

"You're just jealous," Han said smugly.

*Han,* Chewie woofed quietly as he pulled his partner aside. *Did you ever stop to think that the Princess you were _sidetracked_ with is the daughter of Darth Vader?*

Han frowned as he thought about the implications. "That didn't cross my mind, actually."

*Things like that never do.*

"Well, she's hot, and it's not her fault who her daddy happens to be. 'Sides, this could be The One, Chewie."

*The ONE? Since when are you interested in one female at the expense of all the others in the galaxy?"

Han glanced over to the Princess, and watched as she spoke to the droid. "Leia's special. I can't explain how or why I feel the way I do about her."

*You keep telling yourself that when Vader is chopping you up into itsy bitsy pieces with his lighsaber.*

"Maybe we should hurry and load the rest of the crates onto the _Falcon_," Han declared, glancing toward the road.

*Sure, _now_ he offers to help with the manual labor.*

Han walked over to the empty truck, and noticed the melted lock. "What happened here?"

*We took a quick break at a bar we passed, and there was a biker gang of Gamorreans hanging around outside. They must have used a blaster to open the back and see if I was carrying something valuable, but I came outside before they could take anything.*

"I would like to add that those nasty Gamorreans almost permanently deactivated both myself and Artoo," Threepio inserted.

"Too bad they didn't succeed," Han muttered. "At least they didn't get any of our ale. That's the important thing."

"It is a sad day, indeed, Artoo," Threepio groaned in despair, "when we droids are considered less important than alcohol."

"This isn't just _any _alcohol," Han told the droid. "It's Tranzam ale."

"Oh," Threepio said, tilting his head. "Then that makes perfect sense."

* * *

Luke couldn't believe his eyes. Princess Leia – his own twin sister! The woman he had almost married this morning! – was walking into the ship, talking to a couple of droids. He watched as the Wookiee and Solo jumped into the back of the hover-truck to get the last of the ale, and then Luke rushed out from behind the strut and hurried up the ramp. Not quite certain of which direction to head, Luke moved toward the back and found a small, unoccupied bunk room. He awkwardly wedged his body into a narrow closet, and shut the door. He knew his father would be furious at him for leaving the planet, but the Force was telling him it was the correct move. At least Luke hoped it was the will of the Force. If not, he was going to be in big trouble with his father.

He listened to the loud banging noises echoing throughout the ship as the last of the crates were stored. Then he identified the landing ramp raising, and finally the thumping of the engines as the ship came to life.

* * *

When Lord Vader and Corran Horn finally pulled up at the spaceport, the only thing they found was an empty hover-truck with nerfs painted on the sides, and the elusive black hover-car with the gold falcon painted on the hood.

"We're too late," Vader snarled. "My son and daughter have been kidnapped by that scum-bum pirate!"

"It doesn't seem too likely Solo actually kidnapped them," Corran started to say, then shut his mouth when he noticed the Sith trembling with rage. "Or, he could have. In fact, it's likely he did."

"Where is Solo going?"

Corran swallowed nervously. "Um, I don't know, Sir. Governor Tarkin's orders were to follow Solo without being noticed, and allow him to leave the planet. I'm supposed to contact him at that time."

"We shall go directly to your ship and do that," Vader ordered.

The Corellian nodded his agreement, and led the Sith to his ship. Sitting at the communication panel, he punched in the private code for Tarkin, while Vader stood off to one side, unseen by the viewscreen. In a few moments, the gaunt, skeletal face appeared.

"Good evening, Governor Tarkin."

"_Horn_," Tarkin replied, sounding bored. "_Has Solo's ship departed Tranzam_?"

"Yes, Governor Tarkin."

"_Good. Did you find out the location of the person selling Solo the contraband_?"

"Yes, and I know his name, too," Corran replied. "It was a former Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi."

Tarkin gave a thin snort. "_The mighty have certainly fallen far. So much for the power of his ancient religion. You will contact the local authorities and have Kenobi arrested. The Imperial Authority will take care of Solo from this point on_."

"I'd imagine that Kenobi is long gone by now," Corran informed Tarkin, bracing himself for the man's reaction.

The Governor's face grew red. "_You fool! I told you to remain unseen! If you tipped your hand and Kenobi is gone, I will not only have your job, your life will be forfeit_!"

Then Darth Vader stepped into view. "I think not, Governor. Solo has kidnapped my son, and …and his fiancé. You will tell me where they are going, and worry about keeping your own head attached."

"_Vader_!" Tarkin spluttered out, surprised at the Sith's appearance. "_I was unaware of your involvement in this situation._"

"I repeat… where is Solo's ship heading?"

"_The Emperor himself has ordered me to stop the illegal shipments of Tranzam ale_," Tarkin stated firmly. "_He has a spy planted at the drop site, and_ …" The Governor stopped talking, grabbing his neck as Vader cut off his oxygen.

"Do not underestimate this ancient religion, Tarkin. I do not care about the Emperor's spy, nor do I care about restocking the Emperor's personal supply of Tranzam ale. I only care about my children's welfare. Now, will you tell me where Solo is heading, or I shall snap your scrawny neck, which will then deprive your atrophied brain from the small amount of oxygen your shriveled lungs and feeble heart supply to said brain."

Released from the Sith's grip, Tarkin gasped and gagged. "_Bes…Bespin… Solo is heading for Bespin. But trust me on this…Palpatine will be most displeased that you have usurped my authority on this important project, Vader_."

"And you may tell the Emperor to kiss –

Corran quickly cut off the holo-transmission. "I'm never going to be able to get a job in this galaxy again," the CorSec officer moaned sadly.

"We must head quickly to Bespin," Vader intoned. "When I catch up with Solo, I'm going to tie him up to a spittle and barbeque his buns over blow torches."

"That sounds like a good plan, Sir," Corran said as he rushed to the cockpit to lay in a course for Bespin. "I've always wanted to visit Bespin, and barbeque Solo's buns."

* * *

Back at the wedding chapel, some of the guests were trying to sneak out under the cover of darkness, while others, too afraid to leave the room, were crying and complaining about how hungry they were. The stormtroopers ignored the complaints, while dutifully guarding the presents and the drooping, gnat-covered wedding cake.


	13. Chapter 13

Thirteen

It was getting mighty hot and cramped inside the little closet. As Luke shifted his legs, trying to get comfortable, he heard a noise outside in the bunk room.

"I told you we'd have time to do it right later, sweetheart," a man's deep voice rumbled.

"I'm looking forward to the encore performance," a teasing woman's voice replied.

_It's Leia_! Luke thought, recognizing his fiancée-turned-sister's voice.

"We can take it slow and easy this time," Solo said. "It's a long trip to Bespin."

"Hmmm," Leia said. "I hope Chewie doesn't interrupt us."

"If he values his fur, he won't."

Luke could hear them kissing and moaning through the closed door. Images of his sister making out with the smuggler flooded his brain as the young man desperately tried to tune out the disgusting sounds. Then he heard the mattress squeak, and he could no longer bear it. He pushed the door open and tried to stand up, but his legs were asleep from his cramped position. The Junior Sith thudded unceremoniously onto the hard floor.

Both Han and Leia immediately sat up in the bunk, stunned expressions across their faces. Fortunately, their clothes - while in disarray - were still in place.

"Owww," Luke yelled, grabbing both his calves as he jumped up and leapt around the room. "It's a Charlie Mange! Charlie Mange!"

"JUNIOR VADER!?" Leia shouted out. "What are you doing here?"

"Why is your brother coming out of my closet?" Han questioned hotly, annoyed at the interruption. "And why is he calling himself Charlie Mange?"

Leia sighed. "I think he's saying he has a charley horse."

The small Sith finally stopped jumping around. "Hi, Leia. I'll bet you're wondering why I was stuffed inside that closet, huh?"

"The thought had crossed my mind," Leia replied, irked.

"I ran away from Da… Father," Luke explained.

Leia got up from the cot and pointed her finger in Luke's face mask. "You listen to me, Junior. I'm not marrying you, and I have more than a few good reasons, too!"

"I know," Luke said, nodding. "We can't get married. The drunken old Jedi told me that we're siblings, and I'm pretty sure it's illegal for twins to get hitched. But you should probably know that Da… I mean Father wants to turn you into a Sith."

"I'm not going to become a Sith!" Leia said indignantly. "Princesses simply do not wear black. It's uncouth."

By this time Han had reassembled his clothing and was standing next to Leia. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to marry someone that's nasty and evil. Naughty and bad, yes. Nasty and evil, not so much."

Leia turned and gazed up at the Corellian with wonder-filled eyes. "Marry? Did you just say you wanted to marry me?"

Han looked startled. "Did I?"

"Yup," Luke said. "I heard it, plain as the nose on my face."

"YES!" Leia shouted in joy, throwing her arms around Han's neck and kissing him. "The answer is YES! I WILL marry you!"

Luke grabbed Han's hand and shook it enthusiastically "Welcome to the family, Solo."

"Uh, thanks, kid."

"But I still get all those wedding presents we left behind on Tranzam," Luke added. "You'll have to get more of your own."

* * *

Bespin

The _Millennium Falcon_ landed on the same spot it had taken off from only a few days earlier. Dawn was breaking over the striking clouds, and the city in the sky seemed magical.

Han exited the ship with Chewie, while Leia and Junior followed closely behind.

"Where is everybody?" Leia asked. "I thought you said this Lando fellow was your friend? Where is he?"

"Now, don't get all worked up, Princess," Han said, pulling out his blaster. "I'm sure he's got a good reason not to greet us. He's probably in one of those committee meetings business people are so fond of holding."

"This early in the morning?" Leia questioned.

"I think your boyfriend's afraid," Luke said with a snicker.

"I'm not afraid!" Han shot back. "Cautious. I'm cautious!"

"Oh, sure," Luke goaded. "Do you want to see a _really_ cool weapon? Check out my lightsaber." The Junior Sith whipped out his weapon, then turned it on and waved it around, forcing Chewie to duck out of harm's way. "It's really wiz, isn't it? And it can double as a night light, too. Blasters can't double as night lights, unless you only need half a second to see something in the dark."

*He has a point,* Chewie woofed to Han.

"Yeah, poking him at the top of his helmet," Han grumbled.

Suddenly a bald man rushed out of the building, hurrying over to the group, and madly waving his arms in the air.

"Hey," Han said. "I know that guy. His name is Robot. Or Lobster. Something like that, anyway. I wonder what he wants."

"Perhaps we should ask him," Leia said sensibly.

Han grinned at the Princess. "That's what I love about you, Sweetheart...you're so smart." He turned to Chewie. "Besides being beautiful and sexy, isn't Leia the smartest person alive? And I must be smart, too, for asking her to marry me, right?"

*Don't make me hurt you,* Chewie warned his partner.

"What is the problem?" Leia asked the frantic man with the strange metal earmuffs. "Are you being attacked by tiny flying spaceships that suck your brains out through your ear canal?"

"No….no…" Lobot stuttered out. "La…La…"

"I think he's trying to sing," Luke said. "Maybe he believes we're producers from Galaxy Idol."

"No!" Lobot said, jumping up and down as he desperately tried to be understood. "Pal…pa…tine sending… st…storm…troo…pers…" Lobot marched around, stiff-legged, with his arms held rigidly at his sides.

"Huh?" Han said, scratching the top of his head. "I've never been very good at charades."

*THREEPIO!* Chewie bellowed. *Get your metal backside out here this instant!*

The two droids hurried down the ramp, and over to the group. "Yes, Furball?"

*Do not ever call me that again, or I will tear off your head,* Chewie warned, wagging his finger under Threepio's chin, then pointed at Lobot. *What is this man trying to tell us?*

Seeing a droid, Lobot smiled, and pressed a series of buttons on his earphones.

Threepio nodded, and turned to address everyone. "Lobot states that the Empire is currently in the process of sending a squadron of stormtroopers to Cloud City, and that Lando Calrissian – whoever that is – is currently missing. His bride-to-be is also missing, and Lobot fears that Honey Ba'her is not the person she claims to be. However, I feel compelled to add," Threepio inserted into his interpretation, "that in my long experience, it is true that people are more often than not more or less than they claim to be, so I am not certain how this is relevant."

"Have you looked everywhere?" Han asked Lobot.

Lobot shrugged, and looked over to Threepio, who said, "Lobot says that looking everywhere is impossible, and if it _were_ possible, he would certainly have found Master Calrissian by now."

"We need to find Calrissian before the Imps arrive," Han declared. "Chewie, you take the droids and start searching the upper levels, and me an' Leia will look on the lower levels."

"Han," Leia said, impressed. "That's so noble and brave of you. He must be a good friend."

"Friend?" Han asked, shaking his head. "Heck, no. He owes me a hundred thousand credits for this ale, and I ain't leaving until I'm paid."

"What about me?" Luke questioned.

"Someone has to stay here and unload the ale," Han ordered. "You can do that."

"No way!" Luke objected loudly. "This is the first time in my entire life I've been on an adventure without Da… Father. Unloading crates doesn't sound like any fun at all."

"Fine. You take the droids and go looking, and Chewie can unload the ale."

*As long as Threepio isn't here whining, I'll stay and unload the ale,* Chewie woofed as he headed back inside the ship. *If I see Star Destroyers drop out of hyperspace and you're not back yet, I'm leaving without you. You can find your own way off.*

"This is so exciting," Luke said as he followed Lobot down the walkway. "What does this Lando guy look like, anyway?"

"Tall…dark skin and a mustache," Han explained. "Oh, and he wears a flashy cape."

"A cape?" Luke repeated in awe. "If I find him, do you suppose he'll give me his cape, since I lost mine?"

"Lando would love to give you his cape," Han told the young Sith. "The man is generous to a fault. Whatever you want that's his, he'll gladly give it to you."

Luke nodded. "I'm liking this guy already."

* * *

Hours later, Han was about to give up the search, since he cared more about his freedom than even money, and the Imperial troopers were certainly getting closer by the minute.

It was Leia that opened a storage room door near the carbonite freezing chamber, and gasped at what she was seeing. "Han… can you come over here?"

"I'm coming," Han said, strolling across the platform and over to the storage room, where he paused as he took in the sight of a statue of a kneeling man with his hands clasped together in a begging gesture, his lips pursed in a stony kiss. "Hey! That thing looks just like Lando. I wonder why he'd commission a statue of himself in that pose? It seems a bit demeaning, if you ask me."

Leia clicked her tongue in exasperation. "This isn't a sculpture, laser-brain. Do you see all those blinking lights on the side of the box? It appears your friend has been ironically frozen in the very carbonite his company mines."

The Corellian poked Lando's frozen eyeball with his finger. "Is he alive?"

"Well," Leia said, leaning over and inspecting the controls. "Probably. Let's press these buttons and see what happens."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Han said agreeably. "If we don't wake him up, I'll never get paid."

* * *

In the upper rooms, Luke used his lightsaber to cut open doors, and poked his head into one apartment after the other, startling dozens of people out of a year's worth of life at the unexpected appearance of the short Sith Lord. Unfortunately, not one of the frightened people resembled the missing Baron Carlissian.

At door number sixty-two, Luke was getting bored. He glanced into the room and was about to leave when he heard a soft footstep behind a potted plant. "Lando! Is that you? Han told me I could have your cape, so you'd better give it to me if you know what's good for you."

A slender red-head stepped out from her hiding place, putting one hand on her hip. "Would you look at what the trillik-cat dragged in," Mara Jade said, arching her eyebrow.

"MARA!" Luke cried out in surprise. "Why are you here?"

She shrugged. "The usual. Doing a job for the Emperor. I thought you'd be on your honeymoon by now."

"That's a long story," Luke told her. "Turns out I was engaged to my twin sister, and fortunately, she took off before we said our vows. Then, when we were chasing after her, I ran away from my father." Luke thought for a moment. "I guess it's not a long story after all."

"I didn't know you had it in you, Junior," Mara said.

"My name's not Junior. It's Luke Skywalker, and I want to marry you!"

"You what?" Mara blinked in confusion. "Marry who?"

"Uh, I mean…" Luke whipped off his helmet, shaking his head to loosen up his flattened helmet-head hair. "I have a confession to make, Mara. I'm not a Sith Lord. Father always wanted me to turn to the dark side, but I never could do it, and the only way I could escape my father's plan was by acting like an idiot. Oh, and I've always loved you from afar, too. I just never could tell you."

"Wow," Mara muttered. "That's a _lot_ of confessions."

Luke glanced down at the floor, kicking at the rug with his toe. "I'm surprised you didn't laugh at me."

"I should confess, too," Mara said quietly. "I've hated being the Emperor's Hand. Just like you, it was something forced on me from childhood, and like you, I've found ways to get around it. I've never assassinated anyone, even though Palpatine's ordered me to. I just scared them into changing their name, or I would freeze them in carbonite." She looked up at the handsome young man, and smiled. "What are we going to do about this?"

The comlink on Luke's belt buzzed. "_Kid_?" Han's voice came over the small speaker. "_We've found Lando, and he's ordered Cloud City to be evacuated. Get to the Falcon, because Loco says the Imps are on their way_."

The former Sith grinned at Mara. "We're going to hurry to the _Falcon_. _That's _what we're going to do about it."

* * *

Luke and Mara wasted no time arriving at the docking pad, and could see that a group had already assembled under the old freighter. As they walked, Mara pointed at the _Falcon_. "You came in _that_ thing? You're braver than I thought."

"You don't have to tell me," Luke replied.

Lando was busy yelling at Han, his back to the new arrivals. "I'm not paying for all that ale!" He then pointed to the unloaded crates lining the walkway. "That stuff was for my wedding, and it's obvious that Honey is no longer around to enjoy it."

"I got it here on time," Han shouted back. "A deal's a deal, Calrissian. Pay up, or I'll have Chewie toss you off the edge of this platform!"

"Hello, Lando," Mara said. "I see you survived the carbonite freezing process."

Lando whipped around, eyes wide with fear. He backed up slightly to put a safer distance between himself and his fiancée. "Honey! You're….one mean lady!" After a moment's consideration, he added, "Do you still want to marry me?"

"Not a chance, Calrissian."

Luke took Mara's arm possessively. "Her name isn't Honey. It's Mara Jade. I've known her for years, and we're getting married."

"You have my blessings," Lando sputtered out.

Luke grinned. "You were right, Han. He _is_ generous to a fault!"

"I can't believe how cute you are under that helmet," Leia told her brother. "I'm so relieved to know that my twin brother doesn't look like an Ugnaught."

"Hey," Han objected. "Are you implying Luke's cuter than me?"

"Of course not, nerf-herder," Leia said, patting his arm. "But you have to admit, it's good to know our children won't have to wear a helmet after they're born."

* * *

Epilogue

"Just in time," Han said, pointing at the huge Star Destroyer coming out of hyperspace, which was followed closely by a Corellian shuttle.

Both Luke and Leia were sitting behind Han and Chewie inside the cockpit. The young man nodded in the direction of the shuttle. "My…_our_ father is in that ship."

"He's still hunting for us?" Leia asked worriedly.

"Palpatine will be hunting for Mara, too," Luke pointed out, wondering how Mara was faring back in the ship's hold with Threepio and Artoo. Luke hoped she hadn't cut Threepio into pieces with her lightsaber… yet.

"So, where do we go from here?" Han questioned. "I've got lots of credits now that Lando paid up. I'm still surprised he decided to stay on Cloud City and try to use the ale to bribe the Imps, though."

"We can't go to the obvious places, like Alderaan, for a while," Leia mused thoughtfully, then snapped her fingers. "Wait a minute! I know the perfect place to go. Mustafar! We can rescue my _real _father, and he'll be so grateful, he won't even care that I'm going to marry a smuggler."

"Father Vader won't follow us to Mustafar," Luke added. "That place holds really bad memories for him. He hates it worse than Tatooine."

Han nodded, and set in the course coordinates. "Mustafar it is."

* * *

Inside Corran's small ship, Darth Vader roared in frustration as they watched the battered freighter make it into hyperspace. "We are too late again!"

Corran breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, we tried. I'll take you back to Coruscant, and then I'll head back to Corellia. You've probably got a lot of spies at your disposal, and I'm sure you'll get some good leads very quickly." The only response was Vader's heavy breathing through the mask. Corran coughed nervously. "Right, Sir?"

"I will find out where that scum-bum has taken my children if it's the last thing I do," Vader stated. "And I am certain that your sources through CorSec will be of great assistance. Right, Horn?"

All the fight left Corran's body and soul as he realized he would probably spend the rest of his life trying to locate Solo, the Princess and Junior. "Right, Sir."

* * *

Coruscant

"That is impossible," Palpatine rasped at the Governor as he consumed yet another glass of his favorite beverage – Tranzam Ale. The old Sith was bound and determined to destroy anyone that cut into his supply, and that goal was far more important than anything else, including those pesky Rebels.

"I beg to differ, Your Majesty," Tarkin said, keeping his head bowed low. "I am positive what I heard. Lord Vader said 'children', and I have identified the man standing next to him as Corran Horn – a CorSec officer from Corellia."

"You believe this Horn is Vader's other child?"

"There can be no other explanation, Your Majesty. I have had my sources check, and Horn was adopted."

"Two sons," Palpatine mused, stroking his chin. "Oh, the possibilities…."

**THE END**


	14. Chapter 14

_It has come to my attention that I had the wrong Horn as being adopted. In the spirit of the Pro-fic books, I will now fix this 'error', which was not truly an error on my part at all, but an intentional part of the plot. This statement is The Truth From a Certain Point of View. _

_Epilogue to the Epilogue_…

Captain Ozzel hurried down the steps of the trendy bar in a tourist section of Coruscant. He grinned and waved at the patrons as he took his regular seat. "Hello, Narhm," he called over to the Besalisk sitting a few feet away and nursing a beer in each of his four hands. "How are things with you today?"

"Same old, same old," the gruff being replied. "So much beer to drink, too few hands to hold it."

"Ah," Ozzel said, nodding in understanding. "Give me a beer, Z'Arla."

"Say 'please', and I won't dump it on your head," the harried Twi'lik replied as she shook her head.

"I'm not one of your ten kids, Z'Arla. I shouldn't have to say please."

"Neither do they, and I won't give them a beer, either."

Disgusted, Ozzel yelled over to the bar's owner. "Cam! Tell Z'Arla to stop being rude to your customers."

Sitting in a corner booth was Cam, the bar's human male owner, and a former star smashball player. He looked up in annoyance from his make-out session with a blonde woman. "Put your attitude away, and serve the Imperial man a beer, Z'Arla."

The Twi'lik glared as she slammed the mug down on the counter in front of Ozzel. "There. Are you happy?"

Ozzel took the foamy beverage and gave it a long swig, shutting his eyes. "Ahhh. That's much better." He opened his eyes and looked at the waitress. "Oh, by the way, Z'Arla, please thank your eldest son for me. My Superior really appreciated that fast information he asked me to find out about Horn.'

The waitress shifted on her feet, and coughed. "Oh, yeah. About that."

The Imperial Captain looked up, alarmed. "What about it?"

"It might not have been _completely_ accurate."

"What wasn't accurate?"

"Well, my boy Jez told me he found out later that Horn's age wasn't quite right," the waitress said.

"Oh. That's not so bad. I suppose it was a year or two off?"

"Or twenty or thirty…"

"WHAT?"

Z'Arla shrugged. "My kids aren't the brightest Twi'liks in the galaxy, Ozzel. In that way, they're a lot like you, actually."

"Was the rest of the information right?"

"Hmm," Z'Arla said, thinking. "Horn …CorSec officer. Adopted…. First name .. Hal…"

"HAL?" Ozzel yelled. "No! NO! The name was CORRAN Horn, not HAL!"

Narhm snorted in laughter. "That's close."

"You promised me that information was accurate!" Ozzel told Z'Arla, shaking in fear.

"I've been married five times," she replied, unconcerned. "What do I know about keeping promises?"

"What am I going to do?"

"If I were you, I wouldn't do anything," Narhm said.

"You _never_ do anything, other than sit on that barstool and drink all day," Ozzel pointed out.

"True. And it's never gotten me in trouble, either."

"Look, Ozzel," Z'Arla said, patting the worried Imperial on the back. "So it was the wrong Horn. Does it really matter?"

"Probably not," Ozzel conceded as he drank down the mug of beer. "After I have a few more of these," he said, pointing at the empty glass, "it won't matter at all."

"That's my kind of attitude," Narhm stated, downing his own glasses of alcohol.

(and that's how Tarkin got the information he passed on to Palpatine...)

**THE REAL END**


End file.
